Thursday, October 13, 2016

Tattoos


TATTOOS



          First, to my three loyal fans (and to anyone else who happens to stumble across this blog). I am now signaling the spoiler alert. As you know, I normally travel down the silly path where this blog is concerned; however, for this post I am going to veer away from that path and go down a more serious road. Some might find what I have to say a bit poignant but I sincerely hope that is not the case. In an effort to increase self-awareness, I hope to provide something more evocative because I believe when we pay better attention to what we are doing, we do better.

           To my two lovely daughters (and to anyone else who might flinch while reading the third paragraph). I am well aware that some of the language I use is not strictly "correct". Sometimes the heart feels a type of joy and excitement that cannot be described "correctly" so it must make up its own words and phrases. Why on earth do you think babies take so long to "learn" how to speak our limited language? You better bet your best blue bell-bottom britches that those babies are way smarter than we are and they understand our language perfectly, long before they ever speak it! The thing is, their hearts are so full of joy that they are not going to waste their time, dumbing down their language, just so we can keep up!

          One final word or two before we get started...  I am dedicating this blog entry to my first grade teacher, Mrs. Marilee Holmes, who was the inspiration for this post. It is a little well-known empirical fact, that Mrs. Holmes is the absolutest mostest greatest teacher ever, of all time, in the entire history of the entire universe! Furthermore, I am so very thrilled to report that she is still in the classroom going strong, profoundly influencing our world for the better, through the hearts and minds of the children who are so extraordinarily blessed to have her as their teacher! Between Kindergarten, public school, Stuntman school, Fire school, EMT school, Paramedic School and three tours of duty in college, I figure I have spent a combined total of about 24 years, compiling my educational career. That is quite a long time and given my struggles with dyscalculia, I have had more teachers than I am likely able to realistically count. I will not belabor my point any further but will simply say, without  the slightest hint of hesitation but rather with all of the exuberance I can possibly muster, that Mrs. Holmes was by far, hands down, with second place not even in the same zip code, my mostestest favoritestestest teacher ever, of all time (in the entire history of the entire universe)!!! And THAT, my friends, is truly saying something because I had some of the most amazing cotton pickin' teachers you could ever imagine, while I was attending the University of North Texas! Libby Dorn, Jennifer Middleton and Brenda Sweeten immediately come to mind. No doubt you guys are thinking I'm just laying another one of my silly exaggerations on you, but I firmly believe that there is a very good chance you will totally agree with my assessment, silly or not, once you have read the specific things I have to say about each of these individuals, later in this post.  But for now and for the entirety of this post...  Mrs. Holmes, this one's for you!

   

 

TATTOOS  

          When I was a kid, tattoos were nowhere near as prominent in our society as they are today. Back in those days, the few individuals who had tattoos primarily consisted of crusty old military guys and even that group could be paired down to predominantly former Navy men. It is entirely possible that bikers and hippies also had tattoos but we didn't exactly have an abundance of bikers and hippies in Odessa, Texas back then. I don't recall ever seeing any bikers but my mother and I would occasionally encounter a band or group or herd (or whatever the most current PC descriptor is) of hippies at the grocery store. I was always so mesmerized by them that I never really got a chance to notice if they had any tattoos or not, before my mother caught me staring and gave me one of her U.S. patented, well-placed, underarm sweet meat, bruise inducing pinches! Even now, just thinking about that makes the  hair on the back of my neck stand up! I just couldn't help it... those hippies were by far the wildest looking human beings I had ever seen up to that well-sheltered point in my short life! Whether they had tattoos or not, they were quite noticeably out of place in Odessa back then so everybody in town was staring, not just me! I suppose mother couldn't just go around pinching everyone in the Gibson's Discount Center, but I sure would have liked to have seen her try!

          At any rate... Sailors, bikers and hippies no longer solely hold the franchise on tattoos. Now people from every corner of our society have them! Doctors, lawyers, nurses, preachers, ballplayers, school teachers, grandmothers, mailmen, dog catchers, landscape architects... essentially, if you can name em' they probably got em'. Furthermore, there is not a single solitary square centimeter on the human body that hasn't been covered in tattoo ink and that includes all of the "no-no" places, or as my kids call them... "the party parts". I have also seen where people have tattooed the inside of their mouths, on their tongues, under their eyelids... pretty much anywhere they could fit a tattooing machine I reckon'.  Having said that, the one location I just can't seem to wrap my mind around is the eyeball! It's true! You can Google it! However, I think the craziest thing I have seen was where someone had their infant baby tattooed! I'm thinking they had to have been hippies. Oh yes, they walk among us... I don't want to sound like I've got it in for hippies or anything but THAT is just plain DUMB! I know one thing... I sure would hate to be the parent that has to someday deal with the ramifications of that decision. Can you imagine little Johnny bursting through the back door after school, madder than a wet cat that got into your crazy uncle Elroy's crystal meth?!! ~~~~~ "Little Johnny, what on earth has upset you so?" ~~~~~ "Why did you do this to me?!! I HATE YOU AND I NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE YOU OR TALK TO YOU EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE!!!" ~~~~~~ "Oh Dear! Little Johnny, please come sit down and have a yogurt and Brussels sprout taco and a warm glass of chicken's milk to calm down, and then you can tell me all about what's bothering you." ~~~~~ "All *sniff, sniff* of the other boys at school *sniff* are making fun of me *sniff-sniff* because I *sniff-sniff* PEE SITTING DOWN!!!....WWWAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!" ~~~~~ "Well...um...Little Johnny...um, why do.....um....what makes you think you have to...uh... sit down to pee?" ~~~~~~~ "Well, I always thought the reason you had that 'pee-sign' tattoo put on my bottom, was so I would always remember to sit down to pee!" ~~~~~~ (Sorry, I know I said I was going to be serious this post but I just couldn't help myself... I just had to squirt that one out...) All I can say is, I am so glad my parents had the wisdom to just get me the old "lick and stick" tattoos...

                The reasons people get tattoos are no doubt as vast and varied as the people who get them and it would be pointless to try to compile an exhaustive list; however, as vast and varied as the people and there reasons might be, doesn't change the fact that all tattoos have many things in common. For example, almost all tattoos (in our society) exist because the owners chose to get them. They chose the design and the colors and the location and the artist. No doubt many of those individuals later wished that they had not made that choice but at the time they got them, they did. This kind of leads into my next point, which is all tattoos are permanent. Another commonality is that since tattoos are in the skin, the owners can choose to hide most of them with various articles of clothing. Finally, like pretty much everything else, some tattoos are elaborate and beautiful and tasteful, while others are hideous and vulgar and gross. Some signify hate and anger, while others peace and love. In short, they convey a message. Therefore, it naturally stands to reason that some tattoos contain no message at all, but simply just are.

           I'm going to take a wild shot in the dark here and say that so far, I likely haven't said anything about tattoos that revealed anything new or provided any kind of profound enlightenment, at least not as far as the traditional "ink-in-skin" tattoos are concerned. That is because this post is about tattoos of a different kind. These tattoos are similar to traditional ink tattoos in some ways but in many others, they are very different. For example, these tattoos are like ink tattoos in as much as, they are permanent, perhaps even more so; however, everyone on the planet has some of these tattoos but neither the design, nor the location, nor (in most cases) the artist was chosen. We can't hide these tattoos with clothing either, so everyone sees them, whether we want them to or not. That is because these tattoos are always placed on our hearts and they reflect the work of the artists who placed them there. These artists are the people and events that have profoundly impacted our lives and like ink tattoos, some are very beautiful, while others can be quite gruesome. Also unlike ink tattoos, these possess something of a holographic quality and although we cannot hide them, we ultimately choose which side of the holograph is seen by others. In order to better illustrate this concept, I will share the stories of two dogs I once owned, Rocky and Cooper.

Rocky and Cooper

          Rocky was a big and beautiful German shepherd that came into my life about a year or two after I graduated from high school. The story I got was that while he was still a pup, he had been sent to be trained as an attack/guard dog. For whatever reason, he was pulled out of training about midway through the program and somehow wound up with abusive owners. I would be willing to bet, that is when he acquired his "ugly" tattoo. From what I understand, he eventually became so vicious that he would attack anyone or anything that went near him and was reportedly already scheduled to be euthanized when a very good dog trainer came across him and convinced the powers that be, to let him take Rocky home and work with him for a while. So the trainer took Rocky home and initially, he was as mean as advertised and even tried to attack the trainer on a number of occasions. Through it all, the trainer apparently saw something in Rocky that led him to believe it was not in his true nature to be so aggressive, because he kept at him until eventually, Rocky overcame his angry viciousness and became a gentle, loving and loyal companion. Right about the time Rocky's transformation was complete, the trainer had to make room for some new canine clients so he had to find Rocky a new home. As it turns out, the trainer just so happened to be the older brother of a friend of mine, who knew I loved shepherds and that I had owned a few in the past. So Rocky and I were a pretty good fit. I was blessed to have Rocky for several years and I am happy to say that I never saw the vicious side of his tattoo. I only ever saw the side that displayed his remarkable resilience and noble character.

          Cooper also got his unsightly tattoo when he was a pup, courtesy of his abusive owners. At some point he was rescued but the people who rescued him were unable to keep him. So they took him to a friend of mine who was also unable to keep him but who found Cooper a home with me. I don't remember exactly how old Cooper was when I got him but it was sometime before his first birthday. When I first met him he seemed relatively happy but he would always cower down at first, whenever I would go near him. It was much the same whenever I would call him. He would come up smiling and wagging his tail but as he drew nearer, he would cower down closer and closer to the ground. Even if I had never heard his story, I would have known he had been abused. It was just that painfully obvious to detect in his behavior. I kept Cooper well loved and well fed for 14 years and even after all of that time, he continued to show the side of his tattoo that revealed his inner anxieties.

          It would probably make for a very lengthy discussion but the bottom line is, nobody will ever really know how or why both of these dogs started out with very similar tattoos but for some reason, revealed them in completely different ways.
       
          When I was a small boy, you could have searched the world many times over and would have only come up with a small handful of children who were as eager and excited to start school as I was. I literally couldn't wait! If you've read some of my previous posts, then you know of my hero, my grandmother. In those days she owned her own real estate business but in her very first career, she had been a school teacher. In fact, she began her teaching career in a small country school in a little old one-room school house. Anyway, I was too impatient to wait for Kindergarten so grandmother was all too happy to start me off on the basics. Perhaps that was part of the problem because once I finally began Kindergarten, I seem to remember feeling like I was always waiting for the other kids to catch up. I don't necessarily think I was any smarter than the other kids, it's just that in many cases I had already covered the material. Whatever it was, Kindergarten wound up being a complete, misery laden disaster! I remember going with my mother to meet the teacher. She was about 10 or 15 years older than my mother and she seemed nice enough but honestly, she really didn't impress me much. Somebody can jump in and confirm or correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think Kindergarten was mandatory those days in Texas. In fact, I don't think it was even offered in public schools until a year or two later. At any rate, my Kindergarten "school" was nothing more than the old hag's.... I mean "teacher's" (who in reality was the daughter of Satan) garage, that had been converted into a "classroom". This essentially served as the false-front for the scam she had created to swindle the hard earned money of gullible, unsuspecting parents. Seriously though, I have no idea why but that woman absolutely hated me! And it was through her that I learned all too well, the definition of a bully and what it felt like to be bullied. I am thoroughly convinced that she did not consider her day a success, unless she made me cry at some point during the day. I don't remember the exact number but there were roughly 20 kids in that class. However, I do remember that there was only one member of that class who ever got screamed at (not  yelled at).... who ever got licks, not just once, but several times.... who ever got licks in front of the entire class... who was ever made to stay in from recess every day..... and who ever got their snack (a small cup of milk or juice and a cookie) withheld on most days. And if that wasn't enough, Mrs. Dragon Breath had a cookout at the end of the school year for all of the students and their parents. That is, all except one. She told me that my family and I were not invited because I had been too ugly in class. I know all of this sounds really crazy and I truly wish I was just making it all up... but unfortunately, it's the undeniable truth.

          So my first grade year rolls around and I was still very eager to learn, but now I was really dreading the whole idea of going to school. So when my mother told me it was time to go meet the teacher.... well, let's just say I didn't exactly skip to the car. At any rate, off we go to see Lamar Elementary and meet the new teacher, with me wishing I was in any other car in town at that moment than ours. We pull up to the school and fortunately, it didn't look anything like some old hag's converted garage... it was ginormous! I remember walking to the classroom to meet the teacher and I was behind my mother, looking at the floor and dragging my feet. We get to the classroom door and I am tentatively trying to peak in. I guess I thought if I saw her before she saw me and I didn't like what I saw, then I could run and hide down in Mexico and nobody would be the wiser. All I know for sure is... I will never ever forget the first time I stepped into the classroom of the greatest teacher ever, of all time, in the entire history.....(you get the idea). I felt like I had just stepped into a ray of warm sunshine and every ache, every pain and every sadness was being washed away by that warmth. I could go on and on but I will try to exercise at least a little self control... I don't think I could ever put into words how special first grade was for me. Mrs. Holmes was thoroughly, and in every way,  the complete and total antithesis of everything my Kindergarten teacher had been. To this day, I feel like I am her most favorite student ever, of all time, in the......  But part of the magic of Mrs Holmes is that I have no doubt there are big yellow school bus loads full of her former students, that feel exactly the same way.  Except for the years I went to UNT, it was the only year I attended school that I couldn't wait to get there every morning!

          So even though my Kindergarten hag had used her gruesome talons to scrape out a pretty hideous tattoo, you would never know it because of the many beautiful tattoos Mrs. Holmes gracefully created. Tattoos like "everyone deserves to be treated as if they are special" ~~~~~ "You don't have to yell or scream to get your point across. Speaking with a soft voice and kind warm eyes makes a much bigger impression" ~~~~~ "Being kind and fair to someone will encourage them to do more than bullying will"~~~~~ "Being patient, friendly and nice isn't mandatory but it is the right thing to do"~~~~~ "Holding a grudge is not a requirement"~~~~~ and many, many more.

          We had something of a problem child in our first grade class and if I remember correctly,  her name was Veronica. It may not  have been that often, but it seemed like there were quite a few mornings that Mrs. Holmes sent Veronica to the principal's office. I seem to remember it being one of those very predictable things... Veronica would start acting up and Mrs. Holmes would respond. Then Veronica would keep getting worse and Mrs. Holmes' patience would keep getting thinner until finally, Veronica would have to go to the principal's office. What always amazed me was how Mrs. Holmes treated Veronica when she returned to the classroom. She never showed any indication of feeling any tension toward Veronica... she never appeared to hold a grudge.... nothing. It was as if nothing had ever happened. Of course Mrs. Holmes might tell a totally different story. I'm just remembering the view from the cheap seats.

          It wasn't long after I went into the second grade that I started hating school again and I pretty much hated it every day from then on, until I got to UNT and then it was like the magic of Mrs. Holmes just sprung to life inside of me all over again! I think this was in no small part due to the people I mentioned by name earlier in this post. They are all great teachers but what is truly amazing about each of them, is their tattoo artistry.

          First is Libby Dorn. I think of my "Libby Dorn" tattoo as something of a question mark, because Libby impressed upon me the power of the question. Asking someone a question not only prods them for an answer but also directs their thinking. Asking  yourself a question can direct your own thinking. Trying to think of the perfect question to ask someone, so as to direct their thinking, can REALLY direct your own thinking. Questions generate answers and answers bring about change. There are a lot of things in this world that need to change but nothing begins unless someone first asks a question. There may be a lot of things in my heart that need to change but I will never know if I do not first ask the question; however, if I refuse to ask the question, I can only become one thing and that is... close-minded. I found this to be very applicable in my bible reading. I used to say (and think) I read so that I could, "learn more about the Lord and be a better servant." But that wasn't entirely true, not really. If I am completely honest, I primarily had two goals in mind... one was to commit more scriptures to memory so I would be able to spout them out at opportune times and the other was to find the "proof" that supported my long held (unquestioned) beliefs. That is no longer my approach. Now I always ask a question before I begin reading and that is, "What does the Lord truly want me to learn today?". So to Libby Dorn I say... Thank you for this very special tattoo. It is a perpetual life-changer!

          Next is Jennifer Middleton. A few years back when the Cowboys were about to face the Redskins, Jimmy Johnson told his players, "When you hit a big gorilla, you don't ever hit him lightly... you hit him with everything you've got!!!". I have to say I dearly love my "Jennifer Middleton" tattoo! I think it's because it reminds me so much of the tattoos placed by Traci, my wife. If you know Traci then you know that when she smiles, she doesn't just smile with her face, she smiles with her entire body! She is actually that way about a lot of things... she doesn't just do them but does them with everything she's got! Jennifer exemplifies encouragement and when you are being encouraged by her,  you feel like you are receiving more than just a word of motivation and a placating pat on the back. You feel as if you are getting the full force of all of positive energy she can muster! The more I try to display this tattoo, the more I am finding how complex encouraging others can be. It's not the act of encouraging that gives me trouble so much as divorcing myself from the outcome. When I encourage someone, I truly want them to succeed but I tend to want them to succeed in the way I directed. So I am really working toward "encouragement without investment". Then I can display pure encouragement, which is a more accurate representation of my "Jennifer" tattoo. That requires me to avoid my urges to guide and/or direct and simply be a source of encouragement... Period! Then everyone can cherish my "Jennifer Middleton" tattoo as much as I genuinely do!

          My "Brenda Sweeten" tattoo is the most difficult to display, because it represents class in its purest, most complex form. It sits on a foundation of essential core elements and is held together with one vital component, which for me is a real problem because that one component tends to be contrary to my nature. You always hear of the importance of having integrity and how that leads to being more credible. That requires you to pay attention, speak the truth and be accountable. I do not struggle with any of those things but there is one more vital quality that binds all of those others together and if you do not possess that one quality, the whole thing falls apart. That one quality is the ability to keep your emotions in check. I know pretty much all of you will refuse to believe it, but it's true...  on very rare occasions, I have been known to have, what only one or two people on this earth would call, a hot temper. Emotion sometimes really gets in my way so how I generally handle it is to give in and go ahead and throw my fit. Then I am quickly rid of the emotion and I can proceed with complete calm. The problem is, if I am going to accurately exhibit my "Brenda" tattoo, I do not have that luxury.  A bad temper in and of itself isn't necessarily wrong but it tends to call into question your accountability, which eats away at your credibility and all of the other components that make up class. So even though I struggle, I am determined to display my priceless "Brenda Sweeten" tattoo!

          The point I really want my readers to absorb about all of these wonderful tattoos I have just discussed, is that each one has a hideous counterpart. It is the other side of the holograph. However, I choose to focus on the beautiful side of the holograph. I talk about it, I write about it, I try to let those feelings of beauty shine through the pictures I draw the poetry I write and even the lures I make. The truth is, it isn't always easy and I don't always succeed but that doesn't change the fact that this is the choice I have made. It is a choice that we all have the God-given right to make!

          Okay, I have said quite a lot about the many aspects of different types of tattoos, with particular focus on the artists who created them. I realize this is running way longer than my normal posts and you guys are likely growing weary... However, none of the things I have previously discussed are what this post is truly about. (I can just hear the collective groans) Good News! I am now (FINALLY) going to get to what this post is about, and that is...


What kind of tattoo artist are you?

          Oh snap! No, I didn't stutter... What kind of artist are you? How does your dog greet you every day? Does he  run up with a big smile and bright eyes and tail wagging? Or does he cower down and look anxious? What about your spouse? Does he or she greet you with a kiss, or do they act like you were standing there all along? Maybe they even try to avoid you altogether... Most importantly, what kind of tattoos are you placing on the hearts of  your children?  Do they leave you alone because they are afraid of what might happen if they bother you? Or do they take comfort in knowing they can come to you anytime, day or night, and be welcomed with love? Do your children step out into the world and cower down like Cooper? Or do they step out confidently, with noble character like Rocky? Have you given them tattoos of resilience, so someday when you are gone they can overcome? Or have you given them Tattoos of helplessness, so they will always have to depend on others?  

          We all go through life, giving and receiving tattoos. I prefer to believe that the better we give, the better we receive, but that does not make it your truth. I also choose to show the bright side of the holographs and do my best to be the best tattoo artist I can be. That is a choice you have to make for yourself, all on your own, because it's not just a "one and done" decision. It is one you have to make every second. I only ask that you please be aware of the fact that every second of your life, you are in the tattoo business.

          In closing, I would just like to say a final word to Mrs. Holmes...  I could never express the depth of my gratitude for the truly exquisite tattoos you placed on my heart, all those years ago. Without question they helped me heal from the wounds of the previous year, but they also sustained me through many dark and traumatic times that were yet to come and they are still some of my most comforting and influential tattoos. I never have to look any further than my own children, to see a reflection of those tattoos and they are beautiful! And I want you to know that those tattoos you gave me, that I have now passed on to my children, shine just as bright today as the day you gave them to me. Thank you!


     






Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Something Different

For this post I have decided to do something a little different. Instead of my usual somewhat comical rambling, I have decided to focus on something a little more serious. And.... since I'm not very good at the serious, I have decided to bring in someone who is... someone who has something important to say. Her message is quite poignant but is also very uplifting. So please welcome my guest blogger, my beautiful daughter April!




I’m Fat


Any girl that has ever been overweight (and even many who haven’t) has looked at a picture of themselves and said, “I look so fat in this picture,” secretly hoping one of their friends will quickly reply with something along the lines of, “You are not fat, shut up.” I have been that girl, and am that girl. And I am the girl that denies that my other friends are fat when they say it is so. What is this self-defeating behavior doing for anyone? Is it really helping us? Does it teach us to love our bodies, the beautiful vessels that God put our souls in? Absolutely not.
Furthermore, why is fat a negative term? Why, if I am leading a healthy lifestyle in which I am able to do all that I need to in order to feel content, must I go around thinking I am less than? Why can’t I be fat AND beautiful? Why can’t I be chubby and hot? Why can’t I be overweight and athletic? Why does fat have to be a bad thing? Why is it associated with the negative?
I am fat. I am fat, and I love myself. I am strong, and I am smart, and I am kind. I am stubborn, and I am joyful, and I am active. I love rock climbing, and dancing, and hiking. I love to eat healthy food. I love to eat ice cream. I am a fighter, and a fierce lover of those around me. I am a daughter, sister, granddaughter, and niece. I am a friend and a teacher. I am a blessed child of God, seeking to do His will every single day. I am absolutely and without a doubt, beautifully and wonderfully made. And I am fat.
I am done looking for people to tell me I’m not fat. I am done hiding and posing for pictures in a way that I hope makes me look thinner. Because I’m not thin, and even if I lose weight, I will probably never actually be thin. And that’s okay. Until I love my body, I will never be comfortable letting anyone else love it. So am I fat? Yes. Does that define me? No. My worth and value are found in nothing less than my Savior. And if my fat friends ask me if they are fat, I will say, with no apology, “Yes. You’re fat. And you’re absolutely beautiful.” 

If you would like to check out her blog, "Coffee Stains and Lipstick Smudges" it can be found at:
https://apriljoneshu.wordpress.com

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Adventures With Grandmother

(Chapter Three: Gentlemen, Start Your Engines!)



          As most of you know, a considerable amount of time has passed since my last entry. What can I say... I've been a little busy. Anyway, I have recently had several requests to fire it back up. It would appear that I have something of a fan club. Who knew?!! ~~~~~~~ Okay, Okay... maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. The truth is, I vaguely remember about a year or so ago, someone saying they heard that I had once written a blog and they were asking me whether or not it was true... or maybe they were just shocked to learn that I actually knew how to write... At any rate, back by semi-popular demand (even if only in my own feeble mind...), here goes nothing!


          I am going to venture a guess and say that at some point in your life, someone taught you how to drive. I'm going to be so bold as to venture another guess and say that for most of us, that "someone" was probably our dad. Mine thought he taught me... but little did he know, I had already been driving for quite some time, long before he ever gave me what he thought was my first "driving lesson". I never had the heart to tell him before he passed, so he went to his grave thinking that he was the great and mighty mentor, who so graciously bestowed upon me all of my mad driving skills. No, as I'm sure you've probably guessed by now, that somewhat dubious honor goes to my grandmother.

          For those of you who don't know, my grandmother owned and operated a real estate business that she and grandaddy started before he passed away. They lived just west of the city limits of Odessa, Texas so that is where many of their properties were located. I bring this up because this was the perfect area (back then) to teach someone how to drive. Anyway, the beginning of this story actually goes back to a time before grandaddy's passing. As far back as I can remember, he would take me with him when he would go look at properties out in the country. I must have been about four or five years old when one day, he asked me if I wanted to drive. Oh man! I couldn't get behind that wheel fast enough! It was the quintessential American scene of a grandson sitting in his grandaddy's lap, too short to reach the pedals and barely able to see over the dash, slowly swerving and weaving down an old dirt road in an old white '65 Chevy Impala. You know, for years I maintained that grandaddy taught me how to drive when I was little. In fact I was well into adulthood before I finally admitted to myself that he had not been the one to teach me how to drive either. He had only introduced me to driving and consequently, instilled within me a love for it.

          I really can only remember there being one major difference between my grandparents. My grandaddy would joyfully indulge me in anything I wanted while grandmother, on the other hand, usually took a little convincing. Now that I think back on all of the crazy shenanigans I managed to rope  her into, I probably should have gone into some type of sales. But I digress... Anyway, sometime after grandaddy passed, grandmother started letting me drive her car. She owned a white Ford Maverick that she bought used and I want to say it was a 4-door but it may have only been a  2-door. At any rate, it was as plain as plain could get. As far as I know, grandmother never owned a brand new car in her entire 91 years on this earth and if she had one that had a working A/C and an AM radio, then it was bordering on being too fancy for her tastes. Otherwise, they were pretty nice cars. Not too terribly old when she got them and always in good working order. Of course you have to also keep in mind that grandaddy died in 1972 and from then until her passing in 2001, she only purchased two cars. And for you younger folks, if you don't know what a Ford Maverick is then Google it,  I think you'll get a kick out of it. It wasn't much bigger than a VW Bug.

          Okay, back to the story... So by the time grandmother started letting me drive her car, I was plenty big enough to both reach the pedals AND see over the dash. She started off just like grandaddy had, letting me drive her around on deserted country roads while checking on her real estate properties. Grandmother was always the very best of teachers, no matter the subject and driving was certainly no different. She was patient and calm and never raised her voice. She was always quick with a compliment and gentle with criticism and I always took to anything she taught me pretty quickly. She must have been fairly impressed with my driving prowess because it wasn't long until she was letting me drive on FM roads. Then she started letting me drive solo in the big lot in front of her house. Maybe it was so I could practice my backing and parking skills, or maybe it was just to get me out of her hair. Probably the latter... For the sake of clarification, grandmother didn't really have much of a front yard. It was mainly just this huge dirt/gravel lot that ran from her house to the corner of the next intersection. She owned all of the properties on the southeast corner of that intersection, which included her house, another house, a vacant lot and an old storefront building. Between all of the dwellings and accompanying land, I'm guessing she had somewhere close to 10 acres all together. Anyway, the driveways/parking lots etc. of all of these properties were connected so it made for a fairly large driving space for just goofing around. If my memory is correct, the total driving area would have been maybe 20+/- yards or so wide and maybe close to 100 yards long. Anyone with a more accurate figure is welcome to correct me if I'm wrong.

          At this point I feel compelled to say that I don't know if I was just really charming, or if maybe sometimes grandmother got a severe case of "brain fog" because even Forest Gump  could have told her that if she let me goof around in her car alone, eventually things were (literally) going to take a turn for the worse. (Eat your heart out Bob Phillips!) I suppose that mangled pile out back that had once been my tricycle, metal pedal-car, bike and other various toys, didn't register as much of a clue in her mind either. On the other hand, all of grandmother's praying must have afforded her the most charmed life of all time because it took a whole herd of miracles to save her property (and her sanity) from the real life version of the Tasmanian Devil that I was back then.

          Learning to drive was one of the top three most awesome experiences in my life. ~~~~~ (I know what you're thinking... and you can just forget about ever finding out what the other two are! And no, it's not THAT, so get your collective minds out of the gutter!) ~~~~~ To have something so huge respond to the slightest of my movements was a true rush! But like any drug, you eventually have to take more and more to get the same effect. So once the "new" started wearing off on my driving experience, I started getting bored. Therefore, to keep recapturing that rush, I had to start pushing the abilities of that car, as well as my own. All I can say at this point, is that it's a darn good thing grandmother had a Ford Maverick. If she would have had something with a little more power, I might not be writing this story today. It all started predictably enough... Of course I wanted to peal out, so I would take the car to one end of the lot and take off as fast as that little thing could go. Then I naturally wanted to see what it was like to pull off one of those sideways sliding stops. I also wanted to slide sideways around a corner and do all of those sexy car stunts you see in the movies. What I ultimately discovered was that "sexy" and "Ford Maverick" are two things that should never go together in the same sentence. 

          That poor little Maverick didn't have enough power to spin the tires, even on dirt. And with only a 100 yard running start, I couldn't get going fast enough to pull off any kind of spectacular slides or stops. Once I realized all of this, my frustration grew so I had to figure something out. So one day I was dribbling around the lot in that old Maverick, when a new plan began percolating in my mind. Grandmother's garage was very tiny. It was barely big enough for one car and that was made even worse by all the junk she had lying around in there. It had a dirt floor so she had two parallel wooden slats that ran the depth of the garage, to pull the car onto. Now me being the intelligent lad that I was, I somehow knew that those wooden slats were a lot slicker than dirt. At first, I pulled into the garage and once I got on the wooden slates, I tried to peal out in reverse. It took several attempts but I finally figured out that wasn't going to work either. So I started wondering if it were even possible to do a burn out in a Maverick?

          I refuse to go back in my mind to try to uncover the thought processes that led me to do it... Let's just say it was probably the ill-fated result of my frustration. Or even better! I was possessed by a foul demon that likes to take advantage of wayward children. Yeah, that's it! ~~~~~~~~ So me and this demon are sitting in the front seat of grandmother's Ford Maverick, parked on the two slick wooden slats in grandmother's garage and the engine is running... And I'm thinking, "Okay, I've had enough fun with this driving stuff for now. I'm going to just go give grandmother her keys back and find something else to do before I tear something up." So I'm reaching up to turn the key off when Clinton (the demon) stops my hand and says, "What, are you kidding me?!! You're a good driver, AND you're lucky! You're not going to tear anything up so don't quit now... try something different!" To which I replied, "You really think so?....nah, I'm ready to go do something else. Plus I'm not convinced I'm not going to tear something up and then I would be in humongous trouble!" Clinton responds with, "Okay, Okay... I get it, but just think about this. There's no telling when you might get to drive again so just try this one thing before you go." So I say to Clinton, "No, I'm heading in... but tell me your idea real quick anyway." Clinton says, "No way Jose'.... only if you promise to do it! Besides, it will only take a second and it's gonna be REALLY fun!" I give him kind of a dissenting wrinkled expression and say, "Yes way hose 'B' either tell me or I'm heading in." And he says, "Come on... just do this real quick and I PROMISE I won't bother you anymore. Besides, if you don't do it, I'm gonna tell all the other child-bugging demons you're a big fat chicken!" Now I really wanted to just head back in but there was just no way I could have my name besmirched amongst all the child-bugging demons, so I finally relented. I turn to Clinton and say, "Okay, what do you want me to do?" Clinton excitedly yells, "Yeah! check this out!!! Just pull the car up reeeeeaaal slow like, until the front bumper is pressed up against the wall. Then, floor it!" Then he literally starts clapping his hands and jumping up and down in his seat while exuberantly shouting, "Oh man! I can't believe it! This is going to be so much fuuuun!" So I do as Clinton has instructed and slowly pull the car up until the front bumper touches the wall and when the car stops moving forward, I look over at Clinton and and give him my best "now what?" expression. With this wild-eyed demonic expression he suddenly yells, "FLOOR IT!" His yelling startles me and I reflexively hammer the gas pedal to the floor!

          The exact details of everything that happened next are now a little fuzzy but I can assure you, it definitely was NOT pretty! There was a lot of horrendously loud banging and crashing, and dust and smoke were pouring out of every nook, cranny and orifice of that tiny little garage! It was HORRIBLE!!! ~~~~~ I'll just put it like this... I had finally figured out how to get a Ford Maverick to slide sideways. Or rather, Clinton had figured it out for me. Regardless, it's fairly safe to say I panicked at this point. My sympathetic nervous system kicked in full blast and my little mind went almost completely blank. All I knew was that I had to get out of that garage, immediately! Of course Clinton quickly spotted my dilemma and I vaguely recall him reaching over and slamming the gear shifter into reverse. When I looked over at him I'm sure I had a terrified but questioning expression but all he said was, "FLOOR IT!" Since my brain was on complete lockdown, I just did as Clinton said and suddenly, it was as if I had awoken a mighty beast within the Maverick! All the power it had been missing before had suddenly come to life and it propelled itself out of that tiny little garage, like a big white ball being shot out of a house-shaped cannon! The problem was, it somehow latched onto a couple of extra passengers on its way out and like a scene straight out of "The Dukes of Hazard" the Maverick blasts out of the garage in reverse with wood, dust and smoke flying everywhere and along with the sounds of a horrific crash, something that sounds an awful lot like metal gears grinding! In the meantime, I've gone gone completely rigid and spend the entire flight paralyzed behind the wheel! It quickly dawns on me that we are rapidly hurtling straight for the busy highway in front of grandmother's house when I notice Clinton reach up again. This time he grabs the steering wheel and gives it a hard jerk! We round the corner and are flying in reverse past the front of grandmother's house and as we pass, I see grandmother come running (yes running!) out of the front door, waving her arms and yelling inaudibly! Right about then I start regaining my senses and I realize we have to stop! I look over at Clinton for any kind of assistance and he just gives me this real mischievous smirk and says, "Later dude!" and then "POOF!" disappears. I yell out, "Hey, where in the heck are you going?!!" All I hear is his voice fading away, like he's falling down a well. I can't quite make out what he says but it sounds like he's calling out something like, "To get my life inspected!" or maybe it was "To get my wife ejected!" I suddenly think to myself, "Did he say 'wife'?" So does that mean demons can marry other demons? How horrible is that?!! I wonder if they could have little demon kids...I wonder what they would look like? EEEEWWWW GROOOOSSSSS!!!!"

          Like a flash of lightening I snap back into the present and once again, I'm flying like a reverse speeding bullet in the form of a white Ford Maverick. I quickly determine that I have to stop but being such a new driver, I have not yet built up any muscle memory in my feet. Out of the corner of my eye I see the gear indicator and deferring to the only driving reflexes I have, I reach up and slam the gear shifter into park! The car doesn't stop right away but I immediately hear a new sound added to the mix... something like a thousand pieces of string, breaking in succession. FINALLY, the Maverick mercifully comes to a screeching stop. When I look up and see grandmother's face, there's no question my driving lessons have also come to a screeching halt. 

          Considering all of the drama I had just been through, there was miraculously very little damage! Grandmother's angel must have been following along right behind my demon and me and cleaning up the messes as we went along. When I got out of the car we started inspecting all of the damages. An old junk vacuum cleaner had somehow gotten stuck underneath the car, which was the source of all the noise. Other than that, I can't really recall any other damage to the car. We walked around the house to the garage and I think only two boards had been damaged and they were only pieces of trim, nothing structural. 

          As usual, once all of the dust and tempers settled, grandmother and I found things about the whole incident to laugh about. And in keeping true to her ways, grandmother never uttered a word about it to my parents. That is exactly why today I will say without even a  hint of hesitation that any measure of kindness, or gentleness, or especially forgiveness, I am able to extend to others, I owe to the treasured gift of my grandmother's influence.


I know I normally tack on a few items here at the end but I currently have a paper due for school and I need to get at it. Plus I didn't want to hold up posting this any longer. Therefore, I will try to resume including the extras in my next post. 

As always, thanks for stopping by and I sincerely hope you enjoyed the story. ~~~ CHJ

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Adventures with Grandmother: (Chapter Two: Wrangling the Chicken)

                             Adventures with Grandmother

 

Chapter 2:


     Within the past quarter of a century or so, a term that has become a part of the modern lexicon of the animal world is "whisperer".  One only needs to spend 5 minutes channel surfing to find shows about horse whisperers, dog whisperers, or even alligator whisperers.  Well, long before any of those individuals drifted into the public's awareness, and before the term "whisperer" even existed, my grandmother was a "chicken whisperer".  From sometime long before I was born, until she passed away at the age of 91, grandmother had chickens.  I would imagine this was common knowledge among most of the people who knew her; however, excluding myself, I seriously doubt anyone knew that grandmother was a true-blue, dyed in the wool, sure-nuff, bonafide... chicken whisperer.  So, I am quite certain that no one else ever witnessed the absolutely amazing things grandmother could get chickens to do!  In fact, I have seen her get chickens to dance and sing and even do acrobatics!  My personal favorite, however, is when she would host the "Chicken All-Star Olympics".  I'm telling you... you haven't lived until you've seen chickens do gymnastics, run hurdles, pole vault and play volleyball! I remember one year it rained so hard her trash pit filled up with water, so I also got to see synchronized chicken swimming and chicken water polo!  And although I would really like to be able to, I just can't describe what it is like to see a chicken do a "swan" dive.  All I can say is, it was kind of like hearing a dog meow.  Yes, grandmother loved her chickens and her talents with chickenkind were nothing short of amazing.  That is perhaps what makes this next story so very compelling.

     It was a typical fine summer day at grandmother's house and on this particular day, my little sister Shelley was also there.  I was about 8 or 9 at the time so Shelley would have been 4 or 5.  We would normally start the day off playing together but since my horses (reference Ch. 1) could run so much faster and farther than hers, we would often wind up drifting apart and playing by ourselves.  Looking back, I'm sure that is why the following event occurred because if we had stayed together, I would have no doubt prevented it from ever happening in the first place.

     It must have been about 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I can't imagine why, but I was inside.  Grandmother and I were in her kitchen, which was our normal hang-out, when from somewhere out in the back yard, we heard Shelley let out a blood-curdling scream! My first thought, was that one of the renegade injuns from the back lot was scalping her!   I just remember that we immediately jumped up and ran to the back door to see what had happened.  As we got to the back door, we were met by my little sister who was bawling uncontrollably and screaming, "THAT CHICKEN BIT ME!!!"  So, grandmother brought Shelley inside and did what grandmothers do and before long, Shelley was telling her exactly what happened.  Apparently, the chicken whispering gene had not been passed down to my little sister...  After Shelley had seen grandmother work her magic with the chickens, she had just naturally assumed she would be able to get the same results.  Either that, or she was just trying to pet one of them.  Whatever the case, Shelley found out real quick that chickens aren't exactly the most amiable of creatures, because what ever she did, definitely resulted in her getting bit by a chicken.

     Now one thing that grandmother always absolutely refused to tolerate was rudeness.  She never tolerated it in humans so there was no way in the name of John Wayne's butt she was going to put up with it in a chicken!  Not long after grandmother had worked some of her "granddaughter whisperer" skills on my little sister, she had Shelley convinced it was safe to go back outside.  So, she and Shelley went out to the chicken coup and grandmother got Shelley to point out exactly which chicken had been the perpetrator.  Once Shelley identified the offending chicken, grandmother swooped into the coup with the grace, speed and stealth of a black panther and in less than a blink of an eye, was walking back out of the coup, chicken in tow.

     You know, when I think about it now it is really interesting.  When grandmother came out of the coup with that chicken, you would have thought Shelley would have completely wigged out but Shelley just stood there calmly and then quietly followed, as grandmother carried the chicken back to the house.  That was just the effect grandmother had.  Whenever she took control of a situation, all fear and anxiety just magically drifted away and like Shelley, people and animals alike, quietly followed grandmother's lead without question.

     When we got back to the house, grandmother looked at Shelley and said, "We're just gonna teach this chicken a lesson so it won't ever bite anyone ever again."  Suddenly, Shelley perked up and got all bright-eyed and said, "Okay grandmother!" as she wiped away a dried tear, with the back of her little hand.  In a flash, grandmother had that chicken laid out on its side and was holding it down with her left hand, while raising her hatchet high in the air with her right!  With a mighty "WHOOSH!" grandmother propels the hatchet through the air and it doesn't stop until it is solidly imbedded in the stump on the underside of the chicken's neck!  Of course this causes the chicken's head to shoot out into the middle of the back yard!  Almost immediately, bright red blood starts jetting out of the chicken's now headless neck and I am instantly made painfully aware of just exactly what it means to "run around like a chicken with its head cut off"!  That chicken suddenly got up and started running and jumping and flapping its wings and doing all sorts of carrying on!  At that particular moment in time, there was no doubt in my mind that the reason the chicken had bitten my little sister was because it had been demon possessed!!!  The display that headless chicken put on was absolutely the eeriest thing I had ever seen in my life up to that point.

     Just when I am starting to wonder if maybe my life is about to end at the hands of a demonic headless chicken, I start hearing a funny little sound.  It was a sound I thoroughly recognized, but it seemed so out of place, given the seriousness of the situation.  I mean after all... we had us a demonic, headless chicken on our hands, that no doubt was wanting revenge for being separated from its head!  This thing was a bloodthirsty killer and there was no telling who its first victim might be!  So when I heard my little sister off to the side giggling, my brain just sort of locked up.  I couldn't seem to reconcile the contrasting images in my head... giggling sister in one and killer chicken in the other.  So naturally, I looked to grandmother for the correct answer.  When I turned to see grandmother, I expected to see her familiar stern look of concentration.  It was that "Tom Landryesque" expression she used to employ whenever she was working out a problem.  Much to my surprise, grandmother wasn't looking serious at all!  She was just standing there kind of peacefully, one hand on her hip, the other holding a bloody hatchet, and a huge grin on her face.  By the time the chicken collapsed for good, the three of us were laughing uncontrollably.  Needless to say, we laughed all the way through supper, which if I remember correctly, was some kind of dish made out of pork.  Gotcha!  No, of course we  plucked and ate that chicken!  Otherwise, what kind of story would this be?!!

     Since that day of long ago, I have come to realize that it was a day that profoundly changed my life forever.  First, not a week goes by that I don't hear someone describing someone else as "running around like a chicken with its head cut off".  Now every time I  hear that expression, I have an immediate flashback of that headless chicken, running around and convulsing in grandmother's back yard.  Second, that was the first time in my life that I had ever seen grandmother harm another living being.  I didn't know she was even capable of doing such a thing, especially with the calculated cold-heartedness she seemed to exhibit that day.  That is even before taking into account this was not a crazed dog or something that had harmed one of her chickens.  This WAS one of her chickens!!!  This leads us to the third way this event affected my life.  If grandmother could heartlessly kill one of her beloved chickens, just for being rude... then what could she be capable of doing to an ill-mannered grandson?  Fortunately, I never found out the answer to that question.  Perhaps, with the single stroke of her hatchet, grandmother effectively improved my manners forever.                                                                                                          


Daily Clifton-ism:
Whenever you can't seem to find the answer, go back and make sure you are asking the right question.

Message from God:
When all else fails, Love.

Words of Wisdom from Grandmother:
When you find you are having difficulty with someone, rather than trying to get them to change in order to suit you, ask God to change YOU so that you might be more accepting of them.

Okay friends, that's it for this go around, I sincerely hope you enjoyed the story.  I apologize for the long lay-off... hopefully the next submission will come much quicker.  Until then, have a great one!!! ~~~ CHJ
























Thursday, October 10, 2013

Adventures with Grandmother - (Chapter One: The Hole in the Bucket)

If you are someone who never had the exquisite pleasure of knowing my grandmother, then I invite you to skip this section and head straight to the story.

Those of you who are on my Facebook may have seen my recent post, announcing that I was going to do a series of stories about my grandmother.  In order to remind those who saw it, and inform those who did not...  I would also like to include stories from any of you who knew her.  As I stated in my Facebook post, I would really appreciate you emailing me your stories, so I can share them in this blog and like I said, I can either cite you as the author or publish your story anonymously, whichever you choose.  If you like, you can type it up in a word document and send me the file, or just send it as a regular email message.  Which ever you prefer.  Just send it to:  horsemanclif@gmail.com

I think of this series as if it were a painting where each of us can contribute our own unique colors from our own unique perspectives.  I can't help but believe that the more people I can get to contribute, the more special this project will be!  Plus, I know some of you knew her many years longer than I did, so I know you will have some stories I have never heard before and one thing is certain... any story about grandmother is an interesting story!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter One:  The Hole in the Bucket

Before I get to the story, I think it would be appropriate to give a little background information about this amazing little lady.  By doing so, you can kind of begin to form an impression of the type of person she was.  This may apply even more so, to those of you who think you knew her and maybe even think you knew her well!  Having said that, I am going to sincerely apologize now, from the depths of anything that is deep, if the following statement offends anyone.  Truth is, I've been racking my brain for several days and I have painfully come to the realization that there is really just no other adequate way to say it.  So hide the women and children, here goes nothing...

Grandmother was a real Bad-Ass!

There... I said it.  And for some strange reason, I suddenly have this image in my mind's eye that mouthfuls of beverages are currently being sprayed across computer screens, all across the land.  Furthermore,  I would almost swear that I also just heard a chorus of coffee mugs, tea glasses, coke bottles, and maybe even a beer can or two, just hit the floor.  Why?  Because I know most, if not all of you thought  this series of stories was going to be about a wonderful little woman who most people knew as "sweet little Mrs. Peacock"... that saint of a human being who never raised her voice, never had an unkind word to say, never took part in gossip and certainly never used profanity!  That industrious yet simple woman who always worked hard, dealt fairly and honestly with everyone, knew her bible front to back and was above all reproach.  The truth is, she was absolutely that woman!  So you can relax, I am not going to say anything that would ever tarnish that image of her.  It just turns out that she was so much more than the person I just described and it is that "much more" side of her, that most of these stories are about.  Because you see... underneath that meek, humble and understated exterior, was a stone cold killer!  A genuine super hero with the heart of a lion!  A being of supreme intelligence who could see and hear through walls, outrun a rabbit, out shoot a sniper and out muscle a mule!  So as you run to get a towel to clean off your screen and contemplate how on earth I could ever use such an obscene label to describe "sweet little Mrs. Peacock",  I want you to consider this...  I can absolutely guarantee that by the end of this series, you will agree with my assessment.  No other descriptive label would be adequate.

I do not know where my grandmother came to possess her super powers.  I suspect it possibly could have happened when as a young girl, she was struck by lightening.  The story goes that she was standing in a doorway between two of her brothers, when lightening struck her and killed the two boys.  Maybe when that happened, she absorbed what ever special gifts and talents her brothers might have possessed, to carry on.  Perhaps we will never really know for sure.  However, there is one thing I do know with unquestionable certainty.  The only "blemish" in my grandmother's super hero cape was the fact that  the poor woman couldn't cook worth a crap!....(Bless her heart)  And with that, let's get to the story.

"The Hole in the Bucket":

When I was a young boy, grandmother lived in a small wood frame house that faced north on a few acres, just west of the city limits of Odessa, Texas.  Grandmother was a real estate agent who owned her own business.  She was a very frugal woman, so her little house served double duty as her living quarters and her office.  This actually was a good idea, considering it was located on one of the busiest streets in the county.  Anyway, grandmother's property was subdivided into several lots.  She had a rent-house on the lot adjacent to hers and a various assortment of other structures and outbuildings on the other lots as well.  Right behind the left side of her house was an old two-story wood-frame house that was really nothing more than a garage on the ground floor with a small, two-room apartment right above it.  She always parked her car in the garage and she would occasionally lease out the apartment.  Throughout the course of her real estate dealings she was continually acquiring a vast assortment of "treasures".  She would typically have these priceless items stacked in piles, in the lot directly behind her house.  There were stacks of all kinds wood and doors and pipe and just about anything you could imagine. Going further back into this lot, her chicken coup was located on the west side of the lot and directly across from it to the east, was where she always kept a huge hole for burning her trash.  The hole was generally about 4 feet deep and about 6 feet across, and about 8 - 10 feet long.  Naturally, there was always a nice mountain of dirt right next to the hole.  This was also the lot where she always kept her garden.  In addition to the garden, she had some fruit trees.  If I remember correctly, she had a peach tree and maybe a fig tree or two and she may have also had plumb and apricot trees, but I really can't remember for sure.  At any rate, if you were to turn a young boy with any kind of imagination loose in that lot, he could create just about any kind of world he could dream up!  Naturally, as a kid this was my universe.  Any time I wanted to go mountain climbing, I headed to the big mound of dirt by the trash pit.  This was also a good place to drive a toy jeep or jump a bicycle and it also provided great cover, whenever you got caught in a heated shootout with the bad guys!  If I wanted to ride a bucking bronc, I would just hop onto the barrel we had hung from the roof of an old shed and if I wanted to camp out, there were plenty of mesquite trees in the back of the lot, to tie up which ever horse I had decided to ride.  In those days, I had a choice between three horses to ride wherever I went.  My first horse was "Midnight" and he was a solid black shetland pony.  Midnight could be pretty ill-tempered at times so I often rode one of my other two horses instead.  Their names were "Thunder" and "Lightening".  Thunder was the bigger of the two and oddly enough, his mane was the exact same color as a mop head.  Lightening was definitely the fastest between the two of them and his mane, which happened to be the same color as broom straw, was always sticking straight out, as if it were being blown back by the wind.  He looked fast, even when he was standing still!

One day in early July, I came riding in from the range (back corner of the lot) on my trusty steed, Lightening.  It was lunch time and since I had spent all morning, single-handedly slaughtering a whole tribe of renegade comanches, I was pretty cotton pickin' hungry!  Lunch time at grandmother's house was extremely important because this was when I was most likely to have a growth spurt.  Grandmother had a juicing machine and she had somehow figured out that if I were to drink a certain amount of her homemade juice, I would grow really, really fast!  So whenever I would come in for lunch, she would have me back up to the ice-box (refrigerator) and she would mark my height with a grease pencil.  Then she would have me drink a couple of glasses of juice and without fail, I would actually grow as I drank that juice!  One time, I grew a whole quarter of an inch, in only one day!!!  I'm telling you... grandmother was a real genius for figuring out how that juice would make me grow so fast!  I can't imagine why, but for some strange reason carrot juice always seemed to work the best.  Anyway, back to the story...  So I was galloping back to the ranch on Lightening, when I happened to notice something a little odd, lying on the ground.  "Whooooaaaaa!" I called out to Lightening, and pulled him up to a sliding stop.  Both Thunder and Lightening were such good horses... you could leave either one untied and they would never run off!  Anyway, I quickly jumped off  my horse and knelt down to investigate exactly what it was I had seen.  Much to my surprise, I had just found a huge rocket!  I have no idea how that rocket found its way to grandmother's back yard because as far as I knew, nobody had shot off any fireworks on her property that year.  Needless to say, I didn't waste any time pondering how it got there, I was just as excited as could be to now have it in my possession!  My only concern was that the rocket was not entirely in one piece.  It didn't appear to be broken, but the nose cone and tail fins were not attached to the body.  I didn't let this dampen my spirits though, because I knew grandmother and I could fix whatever was wrong and have it ready to fly by nightfall.

I'm almost certain I did not drink any juice for lunch that day because at that point, I had much more important things on my mind than growing!  In fact, I was so excited I'm not totally sure I even ate at all!  As predicted, grandmother and I managed to get that rocket put back together in one piece and it sure enough looked like it was ready to fly, whether it was or not.  We decided to wait until after dark to light it off because we both knew that any rocket of that size was going to put on one heck of a show and we wanted make sure we would be able to fully appreciate it, in all of its splendor!

So there we were... grandmother and I just chomping at the bit, waiting for nightfall.  I can't remember now exactly what it was but when we put that rocket together, I seem to recall there was some kind of issue with the fuse.  Whatever it was, it led us to believe it might not properly ignite.  Being that the rocket was all we could think or talk about anyway, it was only a matter of time before we contrived a plan to test that fuse.  To be honest, grandmother was a little hesitant about our plan but in the end, she deferred to my overall expertise and vast knowledge of rocket fuses.  So the plan was... I was going to light the fuse, while grandmother manned the kitchen sink faucet.  If the fuse lit like it was supposed to, then all we had to do was extinguish it and wait until it got dark.  I suppose if it didn't light, then we would have attempted to make a fuse, which might have made for an even more interesting story... As it turns out, this was one of those large type fuses that were simply too big to just pinch out between your thumb and fingertip.  Not to worry... I had grandmother manning the sink and if that fuse lit correctly, all I had to do was stick the burning tip under the running water from the faucet.  Our plan was so well thought out, we even had the water running before I attempted to light the fuse.  So really, all grandmother had to do was turn the faucet off when I was done.  As I stood by that kitchen sink, with a lit match in one hand and a super sonic rocket in the other, I was in the prime of my life.  At nine years old, I was on top of the world and I was supremely confident in my skills as a man and as a pyrotechnical expert.  I mean after all, hadn't I just completely wiped out an entire tribe of renegade indians just that morning, all by myself?!  Fortunately, I survived what happened next and can now give this testimony.  Let me start by saying that all of the indians and bad guys I had whooped and killed up to that point in my life, did not prepare me for that single moment in time, when that fuse ignited in my hand!  When I touched the flame to the end of that fuse, it just kind of turned black at first, and then in a flash, that thing went off like a sparkler!  The only problem was, that sparkler was only about one inch long!!!  As grandmother and I stood by the sink, with the sparks from that fuse flying everywhere, I looked at her and she looked at me while our eyes grew wider than a set of toyota hubcaps!!!  Suddenly, the running water that was right in front of me, had no significant meaning.  I looked down at the fuse which was now only three quarters of an inch long and shrinking fast!  And with that, I was in full blown panic mode!

It is very interesting when you share a moment of extreme danger with someone.  The communication between the two of you suddenly becomes very laser and there is no longer any use for words or gestures.  Everything can be said in a nanosecond, with only the eyes.  This was a language that grandmother and I spoke very well with each other, possibly because we had already used it so many times before.  So I looked at grandmother and my eyes say to hers, "OH CRAP!!!!.... I never imagined this would happen!  What on earth am I gonna do now?!!"  I distinctly remember grandmother's eyes looking at me and responding with, "OH CRAP!!!....I don't think the water will work!!! What are you gonna do now?!!"  I look down... only a half of an inch of fuse left!!!  So I look up at grandmother again and my eyes say to hers, "OH CRAP!!!... Not much time left, what do I do?!!"  Grandmother's eyes look at me and say, "OH CRAP!!!...I got nothin'!!"

As I stood there, I was absolutely sure I was going to die and grandmother would also probably die and even if we somehow managed to survive, her house was certainly going to burn to the ground.  So I look off to the side and over in the corner, grandmother had several of those old galvanized 5-gallon buckets, laying in the floor.  She put all of the fruits and vegetables in them that she picked from her garden and fruit trees.  I look from the buckets to the fuse.  Down to a quarter of an inch!  I look up at grandmother, then at the buckets, and then back at her and my eyes say to her, "OH CRAP!!!.....I'm going to throw this thing in one of those buckets!!!"  As I was turning toward the buckets, I caught a glimpse of grandmother's eyes responding, "OH CRAP!!!!.....Hurry up and throw it and let's high-tail it outa here!!!"  So grandmother takes off running, with me only a half a step behind.  As I'm running, I make a quick turn and flick the rocket into one of the buckets, just as the fuse completely disappears!

There was an opening in one corner of the kitchen that led into grandmother's office/living room.  We both head toward that opening at a dead sprint and as soon as we get close enough, we dive head first into the office!  Once we make it to the comparative safety of this room, grandmother quickly dives under her desk and I make a mad scramble to get under the couch!  At first, all we hear are a soft whizzing sound and all we see is some light smoke.  Then... there is nothing.  No sound, no smoke... all seems to be clear!  We both begin laughing nervously, as she comes out from under her desk and I make my way up from underneath the couch.  Grandmother's eyes and mine are still in danger mode when we look at each other and our eyes say, "Whew, that was a close one!"

Right about the time we were brave enough to go back into the kitchen and survey the damage, something that sounds an awful lot like a train whistle starts blaring from kitchen!  I look at grandmother and she looks at me and her eyes say, "OH CRAP!!!!!.....Run for it!!!"  At this point, my eyes are no doubt saying, "OH #%##@!!!!.....We're gonna die!!!!"  We run toward the far corner of the room as we hear a thousand eagles screaming, while being chased by a blaring locomotive!  Mounds of smoke are now boiling out of the kitchen that are so thick, we can barely find our way across the room!  When we finally make it to the corner, we dig in close to the floor and hold each other tight!!!  Suddenly, a jet airplane lands in grandmother's kitchen, while bone-jarring thunder and multi-colored lightening bolts boom and flash, again and again!!!!  I scream but nothing can be  heard over the machine gun blasts that are now peppering the walls in the kitchen!!!  I look at grandmother as she looks at me and our eyes communicate nothing but sheer terror!!!  We are so paralyzed by fear we find it impossible to even cry, as the battle of Armageddon rages in grandmother's kitchen!!!

After being trapped in our little make-shift foxhole for what seems like hours, the whole world suddenly goes eerily quiet.  The only sound that can be heard for miles, is the ringing in our ears.  We refuse to move, still petrified by fear.  Even the faces in the pictures on the walls appear to be afraid!  We remain in our two-person cocoon, frozen in the ringing silence as the smoke slowly begins to dissipate.

I have no idea how much time has passed but I think I am viewing about the tenth re-run, of my life flashing before my eyes, when I feel grandmother's death-grip on me loosen.  I loosen mine in return and we stand in trembling silence for another ten minutes, as we wait for the circulation to return enough where we can move again.  The entire house is now full of smoke, so we open the doors and windows to let the air clear.  We then tentatively make our way back to the kitchen to survey what was sure to be extensive damage.  Gingerly, we slowly poke our heads into the kitchen and are greeted by a smokey haze and the putrid odor of burned gunpowder.  Astonishingly, the only noticeable change is the smoke!  There are no machine gun holes in the walls, the table and chairs have not been blown to smithereens, and the water is still running, mockingly, in the sink.  We take two hesitant, non-committal steps into the kitchen, both of us clearly braced for another "OH CRAP!!!" moment.  In my mind I'm thankful that everything appears to be okay for the moment but I just know when I get to the corner of the room, I'm going to find a hole in the floor the size of a Volkswagen, where all of those buckets had been sitting.  Consequently, I am a little anxious about the ramifications of grandmother's anger, when she finally realizes all of her buckets and the fruits and vegetables they contained,  have all been destroyed.  I make my way through the lingering fog, to the last known location of the buckets and as I approach, I sense the fog suddenly lift and the clouds separate to reveal the golden sun!  All of the buckets are still there!!!  I can't believe it...it's an absolute miracle!!!  As I move closer to the buckets, however, I see that one has not survived the ordeal.  Apparently when I threw the rocket, it landed in a bucket that was about three quarters full of peaches.  Not surprisingly, the top layer of peaches had been burned to a crisp and now looked like peach-sized charcoal briquets.  What was shocking however, was that the rocket had effectively burned a perfect two inch hole, clean through that galvanized metal bucket!

The next thing I know, grandmother and I are laughing so hard, we can barely stand or see through the tears in our eyes!!!  It was one of those long, deep belly laughs that makes your sides hurt for days!  I have no doubt that rocket would have put on a beautiful show that night, but it wouldn't have been anywhere near as memorable as the show it put on in grandmother's kitchen that afternoon!  The one thing I remember grandmother saying about that event was..."If we live to be 90, we'll always remember the hole in the bucket!"

Daily Clifton-ism:
The universe is an impartial supermarket and if you refuse to accept anything but the very best, then that is likely what you will get.

Darn Good Grub:
Daddy's Dirty Rice
* I normally double this recipe for 4 people or more*
1 lb ground beef
1/2 finely chopped white onion
1 pk Earl Campbell's Hot Links (cubed)  Comes as 2 shrink wrapped pks. Just use 1 unless doubling
1 pk Zatarain's Dirty Rice Mix
1 can whole kernel sweet corn
2 Tbsp virgin olive oil
1 pk shredded cheddar cheese

Add cubed hot links and chopped onion to ground beef. Brown then strain off grease.
In a large pot, add all contents from the can of corn and olive oil to the correct amount of water as listed on the Zatarain's box and follow remaining instructions on box.
Serve in a bowl or on a plate with cheese sprinkled on top.
Yum, Yum, get you some!

Message from God:
Romans 6:21 "What benefit did you reap at the time from those things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!

Words of Wisdom from Grandmother:
During times of trouble, you can always find something to laugh about.

Okay friends that's it! Sorry it's been so long since my last post but I hope this was worth the wait. Thanks again for stopping by!  CHJ





Friday, September 20, 2013

The Monster Mash

     Before I get to the topic of the day, I must first make a confession... My name is Clifton and I admit that I am powerless over my obsessive grammatical compulsions.  When I started this blog I thought, "Hey, this is not for a grade, it is simply for my own enjoyment. So, I'm going to give myself permission to be sloppy and occasionally misspell a word, end a sentence with a preposition, use too many contractions, and have a total disregard for proper grammar and punctuation".  Well, that honestly only lasted for about one and a half submissions.  Since then, I have obsessed over all of the little imperfections I left in my blogging wake. Although I seriously doubt anyone has cared or even noticed, I have gone back through my previous posts and made all of the necessary corrections.  Now that I have assuaged my guilt, I can get down to the business of the day with a clear conscience.

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     I have never condoned the consumption of energy drinks.  I have always been a coffee man and never really had much interest in all of those high octane concoctions, that are now on the market.  I tried a couple of Red Bulls in the past but honestly, I was not impressed.  Although, I will say the can was the perfect size to patch the exhaust leak on my tractor.  At any rate, I did not particularly care for the flavor  and I thought I could get a better jolt from a strong cup of Maxwell House.  Having said all that, I will admit to being a little curious, simply based on the fact I have observed so many college students literally drink gallons of these products.

     About a week ago, some of my fellow students and I had an early conference meeting with one of our professors.  I had been up late the night before and my normal cup of java just wasn't cutting it.  This was not a meeting where I could afford having too much of that early morning "fuzz brain" so I went in search of a little pick-me-up.  I didn't have a lot of time so I just hit the nearest vending machine.  As I stared at my options, I had a choice between soft drinks, diet soft drinks, water, and the infamous MONSTER DRINK.  I knew that a regular Coke wasn't going to do much for me, so I bit the bullet, succumbed to my curiosity and dialed up a MONSTER DRINK.  I quickly popped the top and took a sip of my purchase, halfway expecting to suddenly feel the earth move.  Of course it didn't.  In fact, I made the comment to one of my classmates that it didn't seem like much more than a Mountain Dew on steroids.  

     About 15-20 minutes later, our meeting was in full swing and I had knocked back about half of my MONSTER DRINK.  All of a sudden, I started feeling kind of warm.  I didn't think much of it at first because there were about a dozen of us crammed into a small room, plus it's summer time in Texas.  So, I took a big ol' swig of my MONSTER DRINK, thinking it might cool me off a little.  As I sat there, I kept getting warmer and warmer and before I knew what was going on, I had broken out into a full on, shirt drenching sweat!  So I'm sitting there, calmly and politely listening to my professor and I a start thinking to myself, "Hmmm....maybe this MONSTER DRINK has a little more kic....Oh Wait! What on earth is that buzzing sound?!!  Why did the professor start talking sooo sloooooowly?!!  I mean, she ALWAYS talks way faster than I care to listen...   Speed it up woman!  I've got things to do today!! And dadburnit!...where is that cotton-pickin' buzzing sound coming from?!!  Whew!  Okay, just take a deep breath...calm down...easy does it.....I can do this.  Hold on! Why are my testicles playing leap-frog across my lap? That's weird...and why are Misty's testicles playing leap-frog across HER lap?!!!  Whoa!  Misty is a girl!  What is she doing with testicles?!!....Okay, so maybe that's George... But we don't have a "George"!!!......and would somebody PLEASE tell me, what in the name of John Wayne's butt is that buzzing sound?!!!    .......Ohcoolsomebody'splayingSteppenwolf  .....BOOORRRNNN TO BE  WIIIIYUUULLD!!!!..... Hurry it up there prof, I gotta dollar waiting on a dime here!!....... I AM MONSTER, HEAR ME ROAR!!!..... And I want a new Long John Silver pirate hat and a secret decoder ring!.....Maybe I could use it to stop that STINKIN' BUZZING SOUND!"

     I have no recollection of the events that followed, but my wife said she found me about 14 hours later, huddled in a dark corner in the back of my horse trailer.  She said when she found me, I was curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth and crying.  She also said that I kept moaning over and over, "Somebody please make it stop!.... I promise I will never do it again!......I'm built for comfort, not speed!........somebody, anybody, please help me!"  All I know is, when I finally came to my senses and stepped out of that horse trailer, all of my finger and toe nails had been gnawed down to the quick, my yard had been mowed and edged, all of the flower beds had been weeded, all of our cars had been washed and waxed, and the tires on all of them had been rotated. Furthermore, all of my horses had been shampooed and now had all of their manes and tails nicely braided and tied up with pretty little multi-colored bows.  I guess I had done that in an effort to match the psychedelic, speed-filled haze I was in at the time.   So, now you know why I keep typing "MONSTER DRINK" in all caps.  It is definitely a product to be reckoned with!

     Although that day was a bit traumatic, the doctor said he expects I will gradually make a full recovery.  He said that the little spasmodic tics in my right eye are a completely normal reaction, after being exposed to a highly toxic substance.  He told me not to worry, and that the tics should subside in a few months.  So from a health standpoint, I'm really not that worried.  There is one thing that still kind of concerns me though.  I always carry a small electric razor in my backpack.  I occasionally use it on those long days at school, whenever I might need to freshen up a bit.  Anyway, I cleaned out my backpack a few days after the now infamous MONSTER DRINK incident and I was very disturbed when I came across my razor.  It had been smashed to bits, after someone had drawn a fu manchu mustache and written the words "Die George Die!" on it.  I'm wondering, who would do such a thing?!!  Incidentally, the rims and tires from a Hyundai Elantra look pretty ridiculous on an F-250 crew-cab, long bed, 4x4....just sayin'...

Daily Clifton-ism:
What I think of you, is way more important to me than what you might think of me.

Darn Good Grub:
Clifton's Chili        
2 - lbs ground beef
1 - Finely chopped large white onion
1 - 30 oz. can tomato sauce
1 - Large can of stewed tomatoes (approx. 30 oz) drained and then diced by hand
1- 4.5 oz. can of chopped green chiles
4 - TBSP chili powder
1 - TBSP garlic powder
1 - TBSP. garlic salt
1 - TBSP ground cumin (comino)
1 - TBSP cayenne pepper
1 - TBSP paprika

Add finely chopped onion to ground beef and brown, then strain.
After straining meat, put all ingredients into a large pot on low heat and occasionally stir until ready to serve. You can serve immediately, but the longer it simmers, the better it gets!

Clifton's Cast Iron Cornbread
1 1/2 - cups yellow corn meal
3 - TBSP all purpose flour
1 1/2 - tsp baking soda
1 - tsp salt
2 - tsp sugar
*** 1 1/2 -  tsp sage (optional)
2 - eggs
2 - cups buttermilk
2 - TBSP shortening

Sift together all dry ingredients.
Add buttermilk and eggs to dry ingredients and stir.

Melt shortening in a medium cast-iron skillet at 450 degrees.
Add melted shortening to batter and stir.

Pour batter into hot skillet and bake at 450 degrees for 20-25 minutes.

*** If you want a little more of an exotic flavor, then add the 1 1/2 tsp of sage to dry ingredients.

Message from God:
One of the best ways to resist temptation, is to avoid temptation.

Words of Wisdom from Grandmother:
Never go to bed mad at your spouse.  Always give them the slightest touch; a peck on the cheek, a pat on the shoulder, etc. when you go to bed, to let them know that deep down where it really counts, everything is going to be alright.


     As always, thanks for stopping by.  I hope you enjoyed the story and/or found something here of use.  Incidentally, if you happen to make one of the above recipes and don't like it, let me know.  My kids and I can eat our weight in this stuff, so we would gladly come take it off your hands!  Have a terrific day!  CHJ