The Monster Mash

     Before I get to the topic of the day, I must first make a confession... My name is Clifton and I admit that I am powerless over my obsessive grammatical compulsions.  When I started this blog I thought, "Hey, this is not for a grade, it is simply for my own enjoyment. So, I'm going to give myself permission to be sloppy and occasionally misspell a word, end a sentence with a preposition, use too many contractions, and have a total disregard for proper grammar and punctuation".  Well, that honestly only lasted for about one and a half submissions.  Since then, I have obsessed over all of the little imperfections I left in my blogging wake. Although I seriously doubt anyone has cared or even noticed, I have gone back through my previous posts and made all of the necessary corrections.  Now that I have assuaged my guilt, I can get down to the business of the day with a clear conscience.

*********************************************************************************

     I have never condoned the consumption of energy drinks.  I have always been a coffee man and never really had much interest in all of those high octane concoctions, that are now on the market.  I tried a couple of Red Bulls in the past but honestly, I was not impressed.  Although, I will say the can was the perfect size to patch the exhaust leak on my tractor.  At any rate, I did not particularly care for the flavor  and I thought I could get a better jolt from a strong cup of Maxwell House.  Having said all that, I will admit to being a little curious, simply based on the fact I have observed so many college students literally drink gallons of these products.

     About a week ago, some of my fellow students and I had an early conference meeting with one of our professors.  I had been up late the night before and my normal cup of java just wasn't cutting it.  This was not a meeting where I could afford having too much of that early morning "fuzz brain" so I went in search of a little pick-me-up.  I didn't have a lot of time so I just hit the nearest vending machine.  As I stared at my options, I had a choice between soft drinks, diet soft drinks, water, and the infamous MONSTER DRINK.  I knew that a regular Coke wasn't going to do much for me, so I bit the bullet, succumbed to my curiosity and dialed up a MONSTER DRINK.  I quickly popped the top and took a sip of my purchase, halfway expecting to suddenly feel the earth move.  Of course it didn't.  In fact, I made the comment to one of my classmates that it didn't seem like much more than a Mountain Dew on steroids.  

     About 15-20 minutes later, our meeting was in full swing and I had knocked back about half of my MONSTER DRINK.  All of a sudden, I started feeling kind of warm.  I didn't think much of it at first because there were about a dozen of us crammed into a small room, plus it's summer time in Texas.  So, I took a big ol' swig of my MONSTER DRINK, thinking it might cool me off a little.  As I sat there, I kept getting warmer and warmer and before I knew what was going on, I had broken out into a full on, shirt drenching sweat!  So I'm sitting there, calmly and politely listening to my professor and I a start thinking to myself, "Hmmm....maybe this MONSTER DRINK has a little more kic....Oh Wait! What on earth is that buzzing sound?!!  Why did the professor start talking sooo sloooooowly?!!  I mean, she ALWAYS talks way faster than I care to listen...   Speed it up woman!  I've got things to do today!! And dadburnit!...where is that cotton-pickin' buzzing sound coming from?!!  Whew!  Okay, just take a deep breath...calm down...easy does it.....I can do this.  Hold on! Why are my testicles playing leap-frog across my lap? That's weird...and why are Misty's testicles playing leap-frog across HER lap?!!!  Whoa!  Misty is a girl!  What is she doing with testicles?!!....Okay, so maybe that's George... But we don't have a "George"!!!......and would somebody PLEASE tell me, what in the name of John Wayne's butt is that buzzing sound?!!!    .......Ohcoolsomebody'splayingSteppenwolf  .....BOOORRRNNN TO BE  WIIIIYUUULLD!!!!..... Hurry it up there prof, I gotta dollar waiting on a dime here!!....... I AM MONSTER, HEAR ME ROAR!!!..... And I want a new Long John Silver pirate hat and a secret decoder ring!.....Maybe I could use it to stop that STINKIN' BUZZING SOUND!"

     I have no recollection of the events that followed, but my wife said she found me about 14 hours later, huddled in a dark corner in the back of my horse trailer.  She said when she found me, I was curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth and crying.  She also said that I kept moaning over and over, "Somebody please make it stop!.... I promise I will never do it again!......I'm built for comfort, not speed!........somebody, anybody, please help me!"  All I know is, when I finally came to my senses and stepped out of that horse trailer, all of my finger and toe nails had been gnawed down to the quick, my yard had been mowed and edged, all of the flower beds had been weeded, all of our cars had been washed and waxed, and the tires on all of them had been rotated. Furthermore, all of my horses had been shampooed and now had all of their manes and tails nicely braided and tied up with pretty little multi-colored bows.  I guess I had done that in an effort to match the psychedelic, speed-filled haze I was in at the time.   So, now you know why I keep typing "MONSTER DRINK" in all caps.  It is definitely a product to be reckoned with!

     Although that day was a bit traumatic, the doctor said he expects I will gradually make a full recovery.  He said that the little spasmodic tics in my right eye are a completely normal reaction, after being exposed to a highly toxic substance.  He told me not to worry, and that the tics should subside in a few months.  So from a health standpoint, I'm really not that worried.  There is one thing that still kind of concerns me though.  I always carry a small electric razor in my backpack.  I occasionally use it on those long days at school, whenever I might need to freshen up a bit.  Anyway, I cleaned out my backpack a few days after the now infamous MONSTER DRINK incident and I was very disturbed when I came across my razor.  It had been smashed to bits, after someone had drawn a fu manchu mustache and written the words "Die George Die!" on it.  I'm wondering, who would do such a thing?!!  Incidentally, the rims and tires from a Hyundai Elantra look pretty ridiculous on an F-250 crew-cab, long bed, 4x4....just sayin'...

Daily Clifton-ism:
What I think of you, is way more important to me than what you might think of me.

Darn Good Grub:
Clifton's Chili        
2 - lbs ground beef
1 - Finely chopped large white onion
1 - 30 oz. can tomato sauce
1 - Large can of stewed tomatoes (approx. 30 oz) drained and then diced by hand
1- 4.5 oz. can of chopped green chiles
4 - TBSP chili powder
1 - TBSP garlic powder
1 - TBSP. garlic salt
1 - TBSP ground cumin (comino)
1 - TBSP cayenne pepper
1 - TBSP paprika

Add finely chopped onion to ground beef and brown, then strain.
After straining meat, put all ingredients into a large pot on low heat and occasionally stir until ready to serve. You can serve immediately, but the longer it simmers, the better it gets!

Clifton's Cast Iron Cornbread
1 1/2 - cups yellow corn meal
3 - TBSP all purpose flour
1 1/2 - tsp baking soda
1 - tsp salt
2 - tsp sugar
*** 1 1/2 -  tsp sage (optional)
2 - eggs
2 - cups buttermilk
2 - TBSP shortening

Sift together all dry ingredients.
Add buttermilk and eggs to dry ingredients and stir.

Melt shortening in a medium cast-iron skillet at 450 degrees.
Add melted shortening to batter and stir.

Pour batter into hot skillet and bake at 450 degrees for 20-25 minutes.

*** If you want a little more of an exotic flavor, then add the 1 1/2 tsp of sage to dry ingredients.

Message from God:
One of the best ways to resist temptation, is to avoid temptation.

Words of Wisdom from Grandmother:
Never go to bed mad at your spouse.  Always give them the slightest touch; a peck on the cheek, a pat on the shoulder, etc. when you go to bed, to let them know that deep down where it really counts, everything is going to be alright.


     As always, thanks for stopping by.  I hope you enjoyed the story and/or found something here of use.  Incidentally, if you happen to make one of the above recipes and don't like it, let me know.  My kids and I can eat our weight in this stuff, so we would gladly come take it off your hands!  Have a terrific day!  CHJ