The Brevity of Death Part 3

Part three of "The Brevity of Death". So this morning when I got up and got on social media to see what's going on in my world, my phone blew up with loads of ads for dating apps for seniors. So I'm sitting there thinking... going on a date is the very last thing I have any interest in right now... I'd just as soon eat a raw frog still kicking. Not to mention it's way too soon. I mean... nobody has had to tell me that taking a date to my wife's funeral would be in very bad taste. But what offended me the most is, what in the name of John Wayne's butt makes them think I'm a senior?!!!

The Brevity of Death Part 4

"The Brevity of Death" part four: (It's a long one...) I have come to the conclusion that the cost of a funeral is nothing more than extortion. It's a polite, soft-spoken form of extortion, but make no mistake, it is extortion nonetheless. They know you have no other choice than to pay for it, and it's not exactly like you're going to shop around for the lowest bidder. Furthermore, they add all kinds of extra expenses to the bill. Things you would never even dream of. For example, it doesn't make any difference if your dearly departed was only three and a half feet tall, if they were/are beyond a certain width, they add an extra charge. Oh! And they don't measure shoulder-to-shoulder... they measure hand-to-hand, with their hands out by their sides. My question is, have you ever seen anyone placed in a casket, posed with their hands down by their sides?!! H-E -Double-Hockey-Sticks No!! They always cross their hands somewhere around their mid-section. So this hand-to-hand crap is total BS! I say, just cut the top and the bottom off the casket, lay your loved-one in there sideways, and call it good! Can I get an Amen?!! Then attach the ends back together and re-sell it to the next sucker that comes along! Although, I don't think I could do that in good conscience... not to another grieving family, who is also being extorted... But that's not all! They also have ways of scamming you on the expense of embalming, and sewing their lips together. I guess they're worried that the dearly departed is still capable of hocking up a big ol' loogy and spitting it on someone... particularly someone they may not have liked, while they were still among the living. Anyway, they also charge you for a cheesy-ass hair and make-up job as well (I can say "ass" because it's in the Bible). I suppose they would also charge extra to do their nails (probably in some stupid florescent color only a 5-year old would wear, but fortunately, Traci had recently had her nails done, not long before she passed. If the departed doesn't need their nails done, they tack on plenty of other charges to make up the difference. For instance, if we would have had Traci buried the same week she passed, we could have skipped the cost of embalming, but we would still have to pay for their cheesy-ass hair and make-up job, I have no doubt Traci would have absolutely loathed and abhorred. Well, we had to wait for two weeks because we have people coming in from all over the country. So, I asked the guy, if they could skip the embalming and just keep her refrigerated for an extra week? To that the guy said there was just no way possible, because her body would begin emitting odors (I won't describe). ~~~ Fast-forward to a couple of days ago, and I was talking to a lady whose husband passed a few years back. She told me her husband had already pre-planned his funeral (and I apologize if you find what follows as gross or upsets you in any way), but she had also had to wait a couple of weeks. Anyway, she said that his wishes had been to have his body frozen and buried naked (it takes all types). Anyway, he had a closed-casket service, and later, after everyone had left his gravesite but her, they asked her if she would like to view his body, one last time? And she told them that she would. So they opened up the casket and she said there was no odor and that he looked totally perfect. In fact, possibly even better than perfect. She said he just looked just like he was asleep, due to the fact he had not been embalmed, so he still had his natural color, they had not sewn his lips together, or given him a cheesy-ass hairdo, or make-up job. She also told me he was just beginning to thaw, and that as he did so, the ice began to seep out of his pores. She said it was a really gorgeous, sunny day, and as the sun reflected off of his body, it made him look as if he was covered in a very fine glitter. She told me that he was absolutely beautiful! So beautiful in fact, that is exactly what she wants to happen when she passes away. At this point, my first thought was, "Wow! How cool is that?!!". But my second thought was (and I even told her as much...), "That monkey-brained ass (again, in the Bible) at the funeral home, never even mentioned any of this as an option, as he laid out his estimated plans for extortion! In fact, Traci had always told me that as far as a casket, or any of the other particulars associated with her funeral, to just do whatever was the absolute cheapest. However, this also made me think... I'd bet Traci would love it if we all sprinkled her with a pinch of glitter as we walk by her in her used casket! Anyway, continuing on... So, this monkey- bra... well, you get the picture, so I'll just refer to him as "MBA" for short... At any rate, when we go back to the casket showroom, I know I told him Traci's wishes at least twice, if not three times. Well, he starts off with his third most expensive model. Keep in mind, we had laid my father-in-law to rest several years ago in a plywood box covered in a nice fabric. It didn't look hideous by any means, but that didn't change the fact it was what it was. My point is, I wasn't completely ignorant of what the "absolute cheapest" model might be... So I repeated, "No, that's not what we want. We literally want the cheapest thing you got". So then he drops down a level, and then another. Finally, after we went through this rigamarole three or four more times, the guy says, "Well, the only thing I have that's gonna be any cheaper, is a plywood box covered in a nice fabric". When we finally got down to that model, I said, "Yes! That's what we want". I mean... It's not like the departed are going to be down there driving around in some sort of casket parade, showing off like it's an antique car show or something. So then, as we're walking out of the casket showroom, MBA kind of casually points up at this pretty nice looking solid wood casket and says, "You know, I'll have to check with the owner first, but I might be able to get you a good deal on this casket right here." I say, "Oh yeah?" And then he says, "Yeah, we've been 'using' it for a while now and he's been wanting to get rid of it and swap it out for a newer model." I had no idea caskets actually go out of style... I mean, who knew?!! At any rate, I say to MBA, "So what you're saying is, you want to sell me a USED casket?!!" And he says, "Oh no! It's not used!..." and proceeds to explain to me how it's still new. Anyway, he goes back to speak to the owner, just like a car salesman has to go back to speak to the sales manager, and comes back and tells us that it's actually cheaper than the plywood model covered in a nice fabric, AND, wouldn't you know it! It just happens to be one of the wider models, so it will accommodate Traci's broad-ish Carlile shoulders, with her hands laid out by her sides. Of course then he tries to sell us a vault to bury the casket in, and the list just goes on. If you want to know a little more, you can reference my previous "used casket" story. ~~~~ You know, I had to bury my favorite horse a few weeks ago and all we did was just dig a hole, then put her in it, pour a couple of bags of lime on her, and then refill the hole. Of course I would never dream of doing that to my lovely little wife, but I can't deny sometimes wishing things were still that simple.

This will more than likely be my last "Brevity of Death" episode. My heart is so very broken that despite my rather extensive vocabulary, I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts. All I have really wanted to do for the past couple of weeks, is to crawl up in my bed and get into the fetal position and cry and cry. But I just can't. With the Lord's help, I have to find the will to survive this. There has been a funeral to plan and finances to figure out and people to see and literally hundreds of phone calls to make and answer. And to be very clear, I am NOT complaining. It's quite the opposite. I am genuinely so very thankful for all of the calls and visits and food and cards and on and on!

They have truly kept me from falling into a dark place I can't afford to go to. So please keep the calls coming. They are more uplifting to me than you'll ever know. Having said all of that, I have also tried to survive by finding as much humor as I possibly can in all of this, because I know that's what Traci would have wanted me to do. And I truly hope, that anyone who has read these little stories, has maybe found a little humor and comfort too.

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The Brevity of Death (Episode 5, Part 1)

Okay, back in the saddle, with "The Brevity of Death": Episode Five ~~~~~ My wife was late to her own funeral! You hear this expression used often... "So and so would even be late to their own funeral". But for those of you who were actually there, you know that my beautiful little wife was in fact, late to her own funeral! There are some who consider my little stories concerning my wife's passing as satire and I suppose they are correct; however, I prefer to think of them as literary caricatures of the truth. Perhaps that's just splitting hairs, but I think you would be very surprised by how much more truth these stories contain than fiction. For example, outside of a few embellishments regarding Traci's preparation and associated charges, how we came to purchase the used casket is pretty near word for word of how that transaction actually came to pass. Having said that, in that episode, I referred to the gentleman (if you can call him that) as "MBA". Again, refer back to the story... From this point forward, however, I will simply refer to him as "DA". I'll allow you to determine what those letters mean. At any rate, as I said, up until now all of my stories have been attempts at comical caricatures, but I am honestly having difficulty finding any humor in this one. But, I will do my best. And I sincerely apologize if anyone finds these posts upsetting or offensive in any way. If you do however, it might be a good idea to just block me from your friends list, because I intend to have a whole lot more of these to come. Also, this episode is a little bit lengthy, but I found a really good stopping point, to break it up before it begins to turn kind of dark, so, I have decided to divide it up into at least two, or possibly three episodes. ~~~ Traci passed away on Sunday, June 21st and I walked into her room only moments after my daughter, April, and I had witnessed medical staff perform, and eventually cease, the brutal act of CPR. Following the truly, visually traumatic event we had just witnessed, I was more than a little shocked by the insensitivity of the nurses who had been left behind, to remove the breathing tube and wires and IV tubes and such. Having said that, I really wanted to be the one to remove Traci's wedding band and engagement ring. But as I was walking into the room, one of the the nurses had just taken them off. I told her that I had really wanted to be the one to remove them... To be fair, her response may have been a bit kinder than I remember, but all I heard was a rather hurriedly and plain "Oh, sorry". So, STRIKE ONE! Then, before they had even finished removing all of the wires and stuff, one of the nurses asked me,

"Do you know what funeral home you want to use?" and the other then chimed in, "Yeah, do you know which one?". Oh sure! Like THAT was at the forefront of my mind at that exact moment... Something that wouldn't have even made the short-list for at least another half-hour, if even then! STRIKES TWO AND THREE! I absolutely promise you, by this point it took every single fiber of my being, but I somehow mustered up the strength to refrain from jumping across that gurney, and slam dunking both of the old gals' heads into the sink, like Michael Jordan at the peak of his prime! Fortunately, self-control got the better of me and all I said was, "I have no idea!" I mean, it had just been less than a couple of minutes, since they had ceased CPR. Just as a side note, my time-line may be a bit off, due to the short-circuiting of my brain at the time... So there was a big part of me, I'm sure many of you have experienced, where I really kind of expected Traci's eyes to open wide and for her to start gasping for air. But sadly, even though you hope against hope, that just doesn't happen. However, after a few moments passed and the nurses finished their task of removing all of the tubes, wires, etc., the funniest thing happened. I looked down at Traci and she had the cutest little grin on her face. And as morbid as it might seem to some of you, I choose to believe, that was Traci's silly little way of saying to me... "GOTCHA!!!" It was truly a heartwarming moment and THAT was how I wanted to remember my beautiful little wife! Not in some casket, done up in such a way that I might have had a hard time even recognizing her. So, I made the choice right then and there, that I was not going view her body again before she was laid to rest. I want to remember and cherish that little moment of seeing her, with that cute little grin. ~~~ To Be Continued:

 

The Brevity of Death (Episode

(Episode 5, Part 2)

"The Brevity of Death" (Episode 5 part 2) Well, I tried to create a fb group for my BOD posts, but it was impossible to deal with, so I reckon I'll just have to stick with posting them here until I can get a blog or something going somewhere else. Maybe even something that's monetized... wouldn't that be cool?!! At any rate, here goes... So, my wife was actually late to her own funeral. This was pretty ironic, considering how fast "DA" (short for assumed mnemonic) initially jumped into action after Traci passed away. I mean, literally within just a few minutes after we notified the hospital which funeral home we had chosen, my phone rang and I heard this rather urgent sounding, squeaky little voice. He quickly told me who he was and who he was with, and was very eager to schedule a meeting, first thing the next morning. I had to have a medical procedure done the next day, so I told him our meeting would have to wait until Tuesday. You would have genuinely thought I forced him to step on a dead lizard barefooted, judging by how put out he sounded when I told him we'd have to wait. However, I really didn't give a shit (Side note: The word "shit" has never been considered a cuss word in our house. Even the girls were allowed to use it when they were little, just not at school or church or sometimes at daycare). Moving on... I had already had to postpone my procedure for a month and I really couldn't afford to postpone it again. After what I'm sure felt like an eternity to DA, we finally met him on Tuesday morning. He was pretty much what I had pictured in my mind's eye... he was older and kind of smallish, with a sad looking patchy beard, that looked like he had been trying to grow since the 8th grade. If you attended Traci's funeral, you got to see DA first-hand, so of course you can form your own opinion of how he looked. Anyway, back to our introductory contact... DA almost seemed kind of pushy over the phone. Like he wanted to lock us into a deal and get us under contract right away, before we got the chance to go shopping around for a far more superior funeral home. And in hindsight, "Two Guys With a Pick-up and Their Aunt Rosie's Funeral Home could have done a better job. But more on that later... As for now, can you just imagine how a phone conversation with one of DA's competitors would have gone?!!! Let's imagine for a moment, I make the call and it goes something like this... ~~~ The phone rings and I hear a rather disinterested sounding woman, with a nasally smoker's voice and a heavy southern accent say, "Hellooo, Stuff and Fluff Funeral Home. This is Marge speaking, how can I help you?" ~~~ Me: "Hello Marge, umm, my name is Clifton Jones and uhhh sniff, sniff... my wife just passed away". ~~~ Marge: In a deadpan tone says, "We're sorry for you loss Mr. Jones." ~~~ Me: "uhhh... sniff, sniff, Thanks, I appreciate that... sniff. Anyway, would you happen to have a solid oak casked that would fit a 5ft 2 in. female?" ~~~ Marge: "Would that be with shoes Mr. Jones, or without?" ~~~ Me: "Hmmm... Well, I hadn't really thought about that... uhhh...well, let's see. I should probably ask my kids, but they just stepped out." ~~~ Marge: "That's okay sir, we know y'all are probably pretty upset right now, so you just take your time, okaaaay?". ~~~ Me: "Ummm...Okay, thanks". In the meantime I start thinking, since she's going to be making a long trip up north, Traci would most likely want something to keep her feet warm on the way. So while I'm waiting for the girls to return I say, "Well, while I'm waiting for my kids to get back, what's the difference in price between shoes and no shoes?" ~~~ Marge: "Well sir, that depends on if we will be providing the shoes, or if you will". ~~~ Me: "Well, ummm... can you give me a breakdown of all of my options?" ~~~ Marge: "Sure Mr. Jones... If you provide the shoes, the cost is $5.95, but that price goes up to $8.95 if you want us to polish or clean the shoes... However, if we were to supply the shoes, then it would be $24.50 for a dressier-type pair of black shoes, which includes knee-high panty hose for an extra $5.00. Or, you can get a pair of plain tan sandals for $22.59 and of course that would also include $5.00 for the knee-high panty hose. Or, instead of the panty hose, you could get a pair of plain white socks for $2.79." ~~~ "Me: "Wow... That's interesting... I had no idea women's footwear could get so complicated inside a casket. ~~~ "Marge: "Yes sir... Of course if you would prefer, we could also just put her in a pair of flip-flops for... I think it's about $5.00, but let me check real quick, just to make sure. No sir, I was off by a little bit. The flip-flops are actually only $4.98. So you would be saving a little if you went that route. Of course all of our options are before taxes, so you would also have to include taxes in there as well. You know Uncle Sam... he has to get his bite out of everything these days. You would think grieving families would have been bitten enough. But I would prefer if you would keep that little comment to yourself. We're not suppose to be too political nowadays." ~~~ Me: "No, I reckon not. Well, what do the dress shoes look like?" ~~~ Marge: "Well Mr. Jones, all of our shoes come from Walmart, so they're all pretty high quality shoes." ~~~ "Me: "So how much is it if we just leave her barefoot?" ~~~ Marge: "Well, if we put her in a dress, as most people normally do, then it's no charge, but if she's in a pair of dress slacks or jeans, then it's $2.00." ~~~ Me: "So how much is the casket by itself then?" ~~~ Marge: "Well Mr. Jones, like I said, the total will depend on which option you choose for footwear of course, but the casket by itself would be $1378.22 plus tax. And like I said, you would have to add the cost of your choice of footwear on top of that." ~~~ Me: "So Marge, let's just say that I decided to put nothing on my wife from the waist down... how much would that cost?" ~~~ Marge: "I'm sorry Mr. Jones, but we don't do that here. But I think Tag & Bag Funeral Home across town may do that. Would you like for me to give them a call real quick and check for you?" ~~~ Me: "No thank you, but I appreciate it though." ~~~ Marge: "You're welcome Mr. Jones. And once again, we're sorry for your loss and you just give us a call if we can be of any further service. Here at Stuff and Fluff Funeral Home, we can actually provide a whole range of different services and we always try to out-bid our competitors, when and where we can. And we'll match any price one of our competitors offers... Is it 'offers', or 'offer'? I never can remember. Just between you and me, English was NOT my best subject in high school Hahaha! Anyway, remember, just as long as you can prove it's the same model number, and if you can also provide a copy of the other funeral home's quote, that's been signed and dated by one of their employees then we can usually match it. Oh, and also the other funeral home has have their logo printed somewhere on the quote, or else it's not valid. And it can be located anywhere in the quote... top, bottom, doesn't matter, just as long as their logo is printed somewhere on there. We've actually had some people come in here with a quote written on a page out of a legal pad with a forged signature, if you can believe that." ~~~ Me: "Oh really?" ~~~ Marge: "Uh huh... I guess having somebody die just makes some people think that gives them the right to be dishonest." ~~~ Me: "That's really hard to believe." ~~~ Marge: "Yeah, you'd be surprised at what some people try to pull off. Anyway, we also try to cut corners any way we can." ~~~ Me: "Oh really now?" ~~~ Marge: "Yes sir, but not in anyway that would affect the quality of service mind you. For example, do you mind if I ask you Mr. Jones, was your wife a very popular woman?" ~~~ Me: "Oh yeah, a lot of people really loved her!" ~~~ Marge: "Well, we MIGHT be able to save you some money by not having an extra attendant for your wife's visitation and funeral services, whereas a lot of our competitors don't even give you a choice. But with your wife being so popular and all, we'd really just have to wait and see by how many people show up. Unfortunately, the fire marshal dictates how many people can be in the building at one time, so Harold, who normally serves as our extra attendant, always starts to get a little antsy when the sanctuary starts to look a little too full for his liking. On the other hand, Dwight sometimes fills in for Harold, and he don't really care how many people are in there. He normally just watches the ball game on his phone during the services anyway, but he nearly always makes sure to turn the sound off. But he's a little young, so sometimes we have to remind him. That doesn't happen very often though, just about once in every blue moon or so. And sometimes the fire marshal will also let us fudge a little on the number of people we have in there too. He really tries to be considerate of grieving families when he can." ~~~ Me: "Okay, thanks. I really need to go now." ~~~ Marge: "I understand. I know this is a busy time for you. So I don't want to keep you too long, You just give us a call if you think Stuff and Fluff can help you in any way. And I'd be happy to answer any further questions you might have, with planning your wife's funeral, okaaay? Just ask for Marge". ~~~ Me: "Okay, thanks Marge." ~~~ Marge: "Okay, Mr. Jones. You have a nice day. Bye now." ~~~ Me: "Yeah, you too.... CLICK!".

Since I have covered most of the story prior to visitation, I will fast-forward to that part of the story... As I had previously mentioned, I did not want to see Traci again after leaving the hospital. So on the evening of Traci's visitation, I hung back near the entrance of the chapel, where Traci's visitation was being held. This actually worked out for the best anyway because I was able to greet people as they came in. DA also stayed back near the entrance and I like to think it wasn't his intention, but I kind of felt like he was spying on me while I was greeting and conversing with all of our family and friends as they arrived. Occasionally I would catch him out of the corner of my eye and every time I got the feeling he was a little too interested in the conversations I was having. Perhaps it was just me, but I won't deny it made me feel a bit uncomfortable either way. Something else I found out about DA is that anytime he and I had a conversation that was unwitnessed, he was always borderline rude, whereas my girls told me that anytime he spoke to them, he was always super nice. I don't know... maybe pretty young girls just naturally have that effect on old men. Or maybe (tongue in cheek) he just genuinely didn't like me, which I find extremely hard to believe, because I know for a fact I have never rubbed anyone the wrong way. (To Be Continued)

The Brevity of Death Part 2

Okay, so here's episode two of "The Brevity of Death"... Did you know, you can buy your dearly departed a used casket? I had no idea, but it's absolutely true! ~~~ In order to clarify how a casket becomes "used"... When someone is going to have an open casket ceremony and then be cremated, they re-use the same casket over and over and just replace the frilly satin liner on the inside. I don't know why they do that... it's not like the dearly departed are going to spill their kool-ade or their beer or whatever. I think it's probably just a scam so they can still claim the casket is new, because the guy swore up and down that the casket was new, but that they had been using it for a while, so the owner was wanting to replace it with a newer model. So he was willing to sell it to us on the cheap. So, in honor of my lovely little wife, who always got super excited over a great bargain, we bought the used coffin and will be burying her in it. And knowing Traci, if there happens to be any lingering remnants of the souls who have previously used this casket, I have no doubt she has already made good friends with them by now, and it truly warms my heart, just knowing she won't be in there alone!

The Brevity of Death Part 1

                                The Brevity of Death Part 1

I reckon you can file this under the brevity of death... I realized last night that for the first time in about 34 years, I can finally leave the toilet seat up.