The Brevity of Death Part 4

"The Brevity of Death" part four: (It's a long one...) I have come to the conclusion that the cost of a funeral is nothing more than extortion. It's a polite, soft-spoken form of extortion, but make no mistake, it is extortion nonetheless. They know you have no other choice than to pay for it, and it's not exactly like you're going to shop around for the lowest bidder. Furthermore, they add all kinds of extra expenses to the bill. Things you would never even dream of. For example, it doesn't make any difference if your dearly departed was only three and a half feet tall, if they were/are beyond a certain width, they add an extra charge. Oh! And they don't measure shoulder-to-shoulder... they measure hand-to-hand, with their hands out by their sides. My question is, have you ever seen anyone placed in a casket, posed with their hands down by their sides?!! H-E -Double-Hockey-Sticks No!! They always cross their hands somewhere around their mid-section. So this hand-to-hand crap is total BS! I say, just cut the top and the bottom off the casket, lay your loved-one in there sideways, and call it good! Can I get an Amen?!! Then attach the ends back together and re-sell it to the next sucker that comes along! Although, I don't think I could do that in good conscience... not to another grieving family, who is also being extorted... But that's not all! They also have ways of scamming you on the expense of embalming, and sewing their lips together. I guess they're worried that the dearly departed is still capable of hocking up a big ol' loogy and spitting it on someone... particularly someone they may not have liked, while they were still among the living. Anyway, they also charge you for a cheesy-ass hair and make-up job as well (I can say "ass" because it's in the Bible). I suppose they would also charge extra to do their nails (probably in some stupid florescent color only a 5-year old would wear, but fortunately, Traci had recently had her nails done, not long before she passed. If the departed doesn't need their nails done, they tack on plenty of other charges to make up the difference. For instance, if we would have had Traci buried the same week she passed, we could have skipped the cost of embalming, but we would still have to pay for their cheesy-ass hair and make-up job, I have no doubt Traci would have absolutely loathed and abhorred. Well, we had to wait for two weeks because we have people coming in from all over the country. So, I asked the guy, if they could skip the embalming and just keep her refrigerated for an extra week? To that the guy said there was just no way possible, because her body would begin emitting odors (I won't describe). ~~~ Fast-forward to a couple of days ago, and I was talking to a lady whose husband passed a few years back. She told me her husband had already pre-planned his funeral (and I apologize if you find what follows as gross or upsets you in any way), but she had also had to wait a couple of weeks. Anyway, she said that his wishes had been to have his body frozen and buried naked (it takes all types). Anyway, he had a closed-casket service, and later, after everyone had left his gravesite but her, they asked her if she would like to view his body, one last time? And she told them that she would. So they opened up the casket and she said there was no odor and that he looked totally perfect. In fact, possibly even better than perfect. She said he just looked just like he was asleep, due to the fact he had not been embalmed, so he still had his natural color, they had not sewn his lips together, or given him a cheesy-ass hairdo, or make-up job. She also told me he was just beginning to thaw, and that as he did so, the ice began to seep out of his pores. She said it was a really gorgeous, sunny day, and as the sun reflected off of his body, it made him look as if he was covered in a very fine glitter. She told me that he was absolutely beautiful! So beautiful in fact, that is exactly what she wants to happen when she passes away. At this point, my first thought was, "Wow! How cool is that?!!". But my second thought was (and I even told her as much...), "That monkey-brained ass (again, in the Bible) at the funeral home, never even mentioned any of this as an option, as he laid out his estimated plans for extortion! In fact, Traci had always told me that as far as a casket, or any of the other particulars associated with her funeral, to just do whatever was the absolute cheapest. However, this also made me think... I'd bet Traci would love it if we all sprinkled her with a pinch of glitter as we walk by her in her used casket! Anyway, continuing on... So, this monkey- bra... well, you get the picture, so I'll just refer to him as "MBA" for short... At any rate, when we go back to the casket showroom, I know I told him Traci's wishes at least twice, if not three times. Well, he starts off with his third most expensive model. Keep in mind, we had laid my father-in-law to rest several years ago in a plywood box covered in a nice fabric. It didn't look hideous by any means, but that didn't change the fact it was what it was. My point is, I wasn't completely ignorant of what the "absolute cheapest" model might be... So I repeated, "No, that's not what we want. We literally want the cheapest thing you got". So then he drops down a level, and then another. Finally, after we went through this rigamarole three or four more times, the guy says, "Well, the only thing I have that's gonna be any cheaper, is a plywood box covered in a nice fabric". When we finally got down to that model, I said, "Yes! That's what we want". I mean... It's not like the departed are going to be down there driving around in some sort of casket parade, showing off like it's an antique car show or something. So then, as we're walking out of the casket showroom, MBA kind of casually points up at this pretty nice looking solid wood casket and says, "You know, I'll have to check with the owner first, but I might be able to get you a good deal on this casket right here." I say, "Oh yeah?" And then he says, "Yeah, we've been 'using' it for a while now and he's been wanting to get rid of it and swap it out for a newer model." I had no idea caskets actually go out of style... I mean, who knew?!! At any rate, I say to MBA, "So what you're saying is, you want to sell me a USED casket?!!" And he says, "Oh no! It's not used!..." and proceeds to explain to me how it's still new. Anyway, he goes back to speak to the owner, just like a car salesman has to go back to speak to the sales manager, and comes back and tells us that it's actually cheaper than the plywood model covered in a nice fabric, AND, wouldn't you know it! It just happens to be one of the wider models, so it will accommodate Traci's broad-ish Carlile shoulders, with her hands laid out by her sides. Of course then he tries to sell us a vault to bury the casket in, and the list just goes on. If you want to know a little more, you can reference my previous "used casket" story. ~~~~ You know, I had to bury my favorite horse a few weeks ago and all we did was just dig a hole, then put her in it, pour a couple of bags of lime on her, and then refill the hole. Of course I would never dream of doing that to my lovely little wife, but I can't deny sometimes wishing things were still that simple.

This will more than likely be my last "Brevity of Death" episode. My heart is so very broken that despite my rather extensive vocabulary, I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts. All I have really wanted to do for the past couple of weeks, is to crawl up in my bed and get into the fetal position and cry and cry. But I just can't. With the Lord's help, I have to find the will to survive this. There has been a funeral to plan and finances to figure out and people to see and literally hundreds of phone calls to make and answer. And to be very clear, I am NOT complaining. It's quite the opposite. I am genuinely so very thankful for all of the calls and visits and food and cards and on and on!

They have truly kept me from falling into a dark place I can't afford to go to. So please keep the calls coming. They are more uplifting to me than you'll ever know. Having said all of that, I have also tried to survive by finding as much humor as I possibly can in all of this, because I know that's what Traci would have wanted me to do. And I truly hope, that anyone who has read these little stories, has maybe found a little humor and comfort too.

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