The Brevity of Death (Episode

(Episode 5, Part 2)

"The Brevity of Death" (Episode 5 part 2) Well, I tried to create a fb group for my BOD posts, but it was impossible to deal with, so I reckon I'll just have to stick with posting them here until I can get a blog or something going somewhere else. Maybe even something that's monetized... wouldn't that be cool?!! At any rate, here goes... So, my wife was actually late to her own funeral. This was pretty ironic, considering how fast "DA" (short for assumed mnemonic) initially jumped into action after Traci passed away. I mean, literally within just a few minutes after we notified the hospital which funeral home we had chosen, my phone rang and I heard this rather urgent sounding, squeaky little voice. He quickly told me who he was and who he was with, and was very eager to schedule a meeting, first thing the next morning. I had to have a medical procedure done the next day, so I told him our meeting would have to wait until Tuesday. You would have genuinely thought I forced him to step on a dead lizard barefooted, judging by how put out he sounded when I told him we'd have to wait. However, I really didn't give a shit (Side note: The word "shit" has never been considered a cuss word in our house. Even the girls were allowed to use it when they were little, just not at school or church or sometimes at daycare). Moving on... I had already had to postpone my procedure for a month and I really couldn't afford to postpone it again. After what I'm sure felt like an eternity to DA, we finally met him on Tuesday morning. He was pretty much what I had pictured in my mind's eye... he was older and kind of smallish, with a sad looking patchy beard, that looked like he had been trying to grow since the 8th grade. If you attended Traci's funeral, you got to see DA first-hand, so of course you can form your own opinion of how he looked. Anyway, back to our introductory contact... DA almost seemed kind of pushy over the phone. Like he wanted to lock us into a deal and get us under contract right away, before we got the chance to go shopping around for a far more superior funeral home. And in hindsight, "Two Guys With a Pick-up and Their Aunt Rosie's Funeral Home could have done a better job. But more on that later... As for now, can you just imagine how a phone conversation with one of DA's competitors would have gone?!!! Let's imagine for a moment, I make the call and it goes something like this... ~~~ The phone rings and I hear a rather disinterested sounding woman, with a nasally smoker's voice and a heavy southern accent say, "Hellooo, Stuff and Fluff Funeral Home. This is Marge speaking, how can I help you?" ~~~ Me: "Hello Marge, umm, my name is Clifton Jones and uhhh sniff, sniff... my wife just passed away". ~~~ Marge: In a deadpan tone says, "We're sorry for you loss Mr. Jones." ~~~ Me: "uhhh... sniff, sniff, Thanks, I appreciate that... sniff. Anyway, would you happen to have a solid oak casked that would fit a 5ft 2 in. female?" ~~~ Marge: "Would that be with shoes Mr. Jones, or without?" ~~~ Me: "Hmmm... Well, I hadn't really thought about that... uhhh...well, let's see. I should probably ask my kids, but they just stepped out." ~~~ Marge: "That's okay sir, we know y'all are probably pretty upset right now, so you just take your time, okaaaay?". ~~~ Me: "Ummm...Okay, thanks". In the meantime I start thinking, since she's going to be making a long trip up north, Traci would most likely want something to keep her feet warm on the way. So while I'm waiting for the girls to return I say, "Well, while I'm waiting for my kids to get back, what's the difference in price between shoes and no shoes?" ~~~ Marge: "Well sir, that depends on if we will be providing the shoes, or if you will". ~~~ Me: "Well, ummm... can you give me a breakdown of all of my options?" ~~~ Marge: "Sure Mr. Jones... If you provide the shoes, the cost is $5.95, but that price goes up to $8.95 if you want us to polish or clean the shoes... However, if we were to supply the shoes, then it would be $24.50 for a dressier-type pair of black shoes, which includes knee-high panty hose for an extra $5.00. Or, you can get a pair of plain tan sandals for $22.59 and of course that would also include $5.00 for the knee-high panty hose. Or, instead of the panty hose, you could get a pair of plain white socks for $2.79." ~~~ "Me: "Wow... That's interesting... I had no idea women's footwear could get so complicated inside a casket. ~~~ "Marge: "Yes sir... Of course if you would prefer, we could also just put her in a pair of flip-flops for... I think it's about $5.00, but let me check real quick, just to make sure. No sir, I was off by a little bit. The flip-flops are actually only $4.98. So you would be saving a little if you went that route. Of course all of our options are before taxes, so you would also have to include taxes in there as well. You know Uncle Sam... he has to get his bite out of everything these days. You would think grieving families would have been bitten enough. But I would prefer if you would keep that little comment to yourself. We're not suppose to be too political nowadays." ~~~ Me: "No, I reckon not. Well, what do the dress shoes look like?" ~~~ Marge: "Well Mr. Jones, all of our shoes come from Walmart, so they're all pretty high quality shoes." ~~~ "Me: "So how much is it if we just leave her barefoot?" ~~~ Marge: "Well, if we put her in a dress, as most people normally do, then it's no charge, but if she's in a pair of dress slacks or jeans, then it's $2.00." ~~~ Me: "So how much is the casket by itself then?" ~~~ Marge: "Well Mr. Jones, like I said, the total will depend on which option you choose for footwear of course, but the casket by itself would be $1378.22 plus tax. And like I said, you would have to add the cost of your choice of footwear on top of that." ~~~ Me: "So Marge, let's just say that I decided to put nothing on my wife from the waist down... how much would that cost?" ~~~ Marge: "I'm sorry Mr. Jones, but we don't do that here. But I think Tag & Bag Funeral Home across town may do that. Would you like for me to give them a call real quick and check for you?" ~~~ Me: "No thank you, but I appreciate it though." ~~~ Marge: "You're welcome Mr. Jones. And once again, we're sorry for your loss and you just give us a call if we can be of any further service. Here at Stuff and Fluff Funeral Home, we can actually provide a whole range of different services and we always try to out-bid our competitors, when and where we can. And we'll match any price one of our competitors offers... Is it 'offers', or 'offer'? I never can remember. Just between you and me, English was NOT my best subject in high school Hahaha! Anyway, remember, just as long as you can prove it's the same model number, and if you can also provide a copy of the other funeral home's quote, that's been signed and dated by one of their employees then we can usually match it. Oh, and also the other funeral home has have their logo printed somewhere on the quote, or else it's not valid. And it can be located anywhere in the quote... top, bottom, doesn't matter, just as long as their logo is printed somewhere on there. We've actually had some people come in here with a quote written on a page out of a legal pad with a forged signature, if you can believe that." ~~~ Me: "Oh really?" ~~~ Marge: "Uh huh... I guess having somebody die just makes some people think that gives them the right to be dishonest." ~~~ Me: "That's really hard to believe." ~~~ Marge: "Yeah, you'd be surprised at what some people try to pull off. Anyway, we also try to cut corners any way we can." ~~~ Me: "Oh really now?" ~~~ Marge: "Yes sir, but not in anyway that would affect the quality of service mind you. For example, do you mind if I ask you Mr. Jones, was your wife a very popular woman?" ~~~ Me: "Oh yeah, a lot of people really loved her!" ~~~ Marge: "Well, we MIGHT be able to save you some money by not having an extra attendant for your wife's visitation and funeral services, whereas a lot of our competitors don't even give you a choice. But with your wife being so popular and all, we'd really just have to wait and see by how many people show up. Unfortunately, the fire marshal dictates how many people can be in the building at one time, so Harold, who normally serves as our extra attendant, always starts to get a little antsy when the sanctuary starts to look a little too full for his liking. On the other hand, Dwight sometimes fills in for Harold, and he don't really care how many people are in there. He normally just watches the ball game on his phone during the services anyway, but he nearly always makes sure to turn the sound off. But he's a little young, so sometimes we have to remind him. That doesn't happen very often though, just about once in every blue moon or so. And sometimes the fire marshal will also let us fudge a little on the number of people we have in there too. He really tries to be considerate of grieving families when he can." ~~~ Me: "Okay, thanks. I really need to go now." ~~~ Marge: "I understand. I know this is a busy time for you. So I don't want to keep you too long, You just give us a call if you think Stuff and Fluff can help you in any way. And I'd be happy to answer any further questions you might have, with planning your wife's funeral, okaaay? Just ask for Marge". ~~~ Me: "Okay, thanks Marge." ~~~ Marge: "Okay, Mr. Jones. You have a nice day. Bye now." ~~~ Me: "Yeah, you too.... CLICK!".

Since I have covered most of the story prior to visitation, I will fast-forward to that part of the story... As I had previously mentioned, I did not want to see Traci again after leaving the hospital. So on the evening of Traci's visitation, I hung back near the entrance of the chapel, where Traci's visitation was being held. This actually worked out for the best anyway because I was able to greet people as they came in. DA also stayed back near the entrance and I like to think it wasn't his intention, but I kind of felt like he was spying on me while I was greeting and conversing with all of our family and friends as they arrived. Occasionally I would catch him out of the corner of my eye and every time I got the feeling he was a little too interested in the conversations I was having. Perhaps it was just me, but I won't deny it made me feel a bit uncomfortable either way. Something else I found out about DA is that anytime he and I had a conversation that was unwitnessed, he was always borderline rude, whereas my girls told me that anytime he spoke to them, he was always super nice. I don't know... maybe pretty young girls just naturally have that effect on old men. Or maybe (tongue in cheek) he just genuinely didn't like me, which I find extremely hard to believe, because I know for a fact I have never rubbed anyone the wrong way. (To Be Continued)